Several years back, I was reading WILD by Cheryl Strayed about her hiking journey along the Pacific Crest Trail back in the 1990s.1 Cheryl found that she had lost her way in life (and her moral compass) after the loss of her mother. Reaching rock bottom, she was determined to see if a personal hiking journey over 1,000 miles would provide the opportunity for proper reflection and introspection to set herself back on the right course in life.
One might ask why I was reading the book when I just seen the movie several weeks prior. Well, I wanted to read more about what Cheryl was thinking and about her story. Maybe there was a something in her story that would be helpful for me, some insight that would enlighten me. And it happened.
Cheryl and her mother were very close. Through troubled times of marital strife and family financial woes, Cheryl’s mother was the “glue” that held much of Cheryl’s life together. One profound reflection in the book discusses Cheryl’s mother and her love of horses. Her mother was determined to have horses and the joy that they brought to her life even during difficult times. This joy for horses and activities with horses were the backbone of much of the family life. Cheryl’s mother was able to translate her love for horses into the fabric of their family life and how to use the various activities (riding, grooming, and stable cleaning for example) as examples for how people care for each other and their environment. Then Cheryl said—“Horses were my mother’s religion.” I was breathless.
Why was I breathless? My mother had a similar love for horses throughout her life. She was thrown from a horse as a teenager and sustained a back injury that would cause a life-long ailment, affecting her health (physical and mental) until her death. Yet my mother always loved horses and everything about them. I was always at a loss for her deep affection toward horses and admittedly at times, annoyed by it. Late in life as she and my stepfather had a horse farm, I wondered why they would take on such a burden and complicate their lives so.
Because horses were her religion! I don’t mean this in a sacrilegious sense. My mother was a very devout person. But horses were an outlet for her when many other things were going wrong—an abusive marriage, divorce, physical ailments, and mental illness. Her love for horses was the perfect outlet for her creative energy and was the demonstrable way for her to show her love for so many things. The love and care for my brother and me was primary but horses were a close second.
By reading Cheryl Strayed’s book, I was transported back to my childhood and then I paused to reflect on my adult interactions with my mother. Why was I so intolerant at times? Why was I so unable to see her view of things and unable to understand her needs? Why could I not see the value of her love and devotion to these beautiful creatures?
As I reflected further, I was embarrassed for my egocentric view of the world, and my inability to see how other activities and passions of others, including my mother, have such a valuable role for my fellow citizens and family members. I wasn’t truly present – watching, listening and being empathetic – with my mother when she needed it the most. I was self-absorbed in my own activities and passions and ignored those around me crying out for help. It is unfortunate that so much time had to be pass for me to have an enhanced self-awareness, now decades after my mother’s passing. But the good news is that we are never too old to learn and be more tolerant and loving toward others.
The advantage of the proverbial “retrospectro-scope” lies in self-improvement and self-awareness and tangible change for the better. Yes, I am still embarrassed and slightly ashamed of myself even at this late juncture, but rather than let guilt lead me to inaction, I pledge to have an increased awareness going forward.
- How can I improve?
- How can I be a better listener?
- How can I try to not inject myself into my interpretations of the actions of my fellow citizens?
- How can I mindful of the words and actions of others?
- How can I become someone practicing “radical empathy?”2
The path forward is clear yet challenging. I’d like to think that I have improved with age, but self-awareness lets me know that I can always improve. I am not trying to attain perfection but rather to learn how to best serve my fellow citizens. In this latter role, I believe that I would indeed make my mother proud and feeling a sense of accomplishment as a parent.
I was breathless because the reading experience had taken me where I had not anticipated going. I was going to be reading about someone else’s journey and maybe there would be some tidbit that would be helpful. I did not anticipate having to engage in my own introspection, yet reading made me do it. That to me is one of the great joys of reading. I’m glad that I was breathless.
- Strayed C. Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail. Vintage, 2013. 315 pp.
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/em-within-pathos-suffering-empathy-revisited/