Dr. Bob: I have a next level dawdler, taking forever to get things done. Everything my 5-year-old does takes a significant amount of encouragement and coaxing and finally “the countdown.” I hate how frustrated I get. I don’t want the threat of lost privileges to be the only thing that finally gets her going. Any tips?
Answer: Just recognizing this problem is the first step. Your current approach sounds good. Encouragement, coaxing and a gentle countdown are all very reasonable. I would consider breaking down the tasks to those where dawdling does not really matter and those where more action is needed. I would discuss these with her. Those tasks that she can “take forever” on can be a short list (like putting up toys or cleaning up before she gets to watch TV), and it will serve to demonstrate that certain things need to get done before moving on to other activities that she desires. Tasks that require more action (like getting dressed, getting ready for school, coming to the table for meals, eating) should be targeted one at a time. She might need to get up earlier in the AM to get the things going. As the tasks are accomplished, some appropriate reward can be considered and awarded as promised. A chart to demonstrate progress might be very helpful. Everyone should be supportive of these efforts.
Both parents need to be in agreement with the above plan. If one parent undermines the plan, children know how to play one parent against the other, and this will serve to make a concerted effort to address this problem more difficult to solve. The parents need to have a unified strategy before the implementation starts.
If there are siblings that might antagonize this process (making fun of their “slowpoke” sibling, for example), the parents will need to address those issues with the siblings, preferably ahead of time. Sibling behavior that weakens the above approach should be addressed appropriately. It is often useful to remind siblings that they are not perfect either. Their assistance can be beneficial when they are engaged and might be rewarded in some way.
I understand your frustration and your concern about punishment (loss of privileges) as the only motivator. Remember that “punishment” in this circumstance is really discipline, a teaching activity. I think all parents have experienced this at some time, and it is difficult to keep one’s cool when your patience is being tested. Take that step back, take a deep breath and rethink the situation when you think you are at your boiling point. As I noted above, parents should be on the same page in these situations, so children do not play one parent against the other. Sometimes one parent needs to take over when the other parent needs to step out for a minute.
Like a lot of parents, I suspect that you know all of the information above. But hearing from someone else about how to handle this often is very helpful because parents are so caught up in the minute-by-minute events. And parents are trying to do other things at the same time (like prepare meals, do laundry, handle work issues) so it is very difficult to see the forest through the trees.
I suspect that there is no quick fix for this problem but I would predict that it will improve with time if you consider some of the advice above.
Dr. Saul is Professor of Pediatrics (Emeritus) at Prisma Health and his website is mychildrenschildren.com. Contact Dr. Bob at askdrbobsaul@gmail.com