It might seem far-fetched to write about parenting from the perspective of tyranny. Tyranny seems to be a description more apt for a political science discussion, about how governments and countries can be overtaken by a leader or small group of people who rule in a severe and unjust manner. But it is useful to consider how parenting can go right and go wrong. The work of parenting is never 100% right or 100% wrong. We all live on a continuum of strengths and weaknesses, and our job is to continue to move the needle in the right direction. Our humanity will always show through as we hopefully do good work and strive to correct our mistakes.
After finishing the book On Tyranny: Twenty Lessons from the Twentieth Century by Yale University history professor Timothy Snyder, I was struck that so many of his lessons are useful reminders of how parenting can go wrong and what can be done to correct it.1 Let’s look at a few of the lessons. (The words in CAPS are his lessons, and the quotes are some of his selected comments.)
- DO NOT OBEY IN ADVANCE – “Most of the power of authoritarianism is freely given…A citizen who adapts in this way is teaching power what it can do.”
- Parenting should never be an exercise in power. Demanding blind obedience from your children without engaging in the issues at hand is a sure-fire way to be an ineffective parent. Conscious parenting requires an introspective approach that pauses, assesses and then chooses a reasonable response given the circumstances.2 Tyrants are not good leaders and definitely not good parents.
- REMEMBER PROFESSIONAL ETHICS – “When political leaders set a negative example, professional commitments to just practice become more important.”
- When parents set negative examples, children learn similar lessons. We must always set the right example (using sound ethical principles) in our role as parents and similarly as citizens. We must be committed to being just and fair in our business, interpersonal and family dealings. Trust is based on truth and fair-minded practices and will only be able to be fostered when both are present.
- STAND OUT – “Someone has to. It is easy to follow along. It can feel strange to do or say something different. But without unease, there is no freedom. Remember Rosa Parks. The moment you set an example, the spell of the status quo is broken, and others will follow”
- Parents should “stand out” by accepting the discomfort that sometimes comes with making tough choices while also accepting that their choices could have been wrong. Be willing to review your responses and realize the unease that can come with such an approach. Be willing to be that example that your children can be proud of.
- BE KIND TO OUR LANGUAGE – “Avoid pronouncing the phrases that everyone else does…Make an effort to separate yourself from the internet. Read books.”
- Children are sponges for the language of their parents. Parents need to fill the lives of their children with words and music. Talk, read and sing to provide the fodder needed for their early and continued brain development. Make these words and music unique and worthy of repeating. Remember, language and music build brains.
- BELIEVE IN TRUTH – “To abandon facts is to abandon freedom…If nothing is true, then all is spectacle.”
- Truth-telling in parenthood is mandatory. The trust that develops between people is always based on truth. When parents are truth tellers, the right example is set for the children. The truth can be discomforting at times and require some aplomb when dealing with children, but frank deception only serves to abandon the norms of personal and social behavior.
- INVESTIGATE – “Figure things out for yourself. Spend more time with long articles. Subsidize investigative journalism by subscribing to print media. Realize that some of what is on the internet is to there to harm you…Take responsibility for what you communicate to others.”
- Without proper investigation and scrutiny of information, we can easily become unsuspecting mouthpieces for unscrupulous individuals or groups. By extension then, we are passing such information on to our children without proper vetting. The only way our children will grow and our communities will improve is with truth-telling and the passage of correct information from generation to generation. I am discouraged when I see the passage of past fears and falsehoods that have only served to breed discontent. Yet, I am so pleased when I see the next generation of young adults correcting the wrongs of the past. It can be done.
- MAKE EYE CONTACT AND SMALL TALK – “This is not just polite. It is part of being a citizen and a responsible member of society. It is also a way to stay in touch with your surroundings, break down social barriers, and understand whom you should and should not trust.”
- It is so important for parents to engage their children in social activities. Only then can they understand how to interact with others and become good citizens. Citizens care for each other, and they take care of each other. Your children need to see those interactions in a meaningful way.
- CONTRIBUTE TO GOOD CAUSES – “Be active in organizations, political or not, that express our own view of life. Pick a charity or two…then you will have made a free choice that supports civil society and helps others to do good.”
- Being active in our communities is crucial to our personal growth, the growth of our communities and the expanding opportunities for our children. These interactions provide the lessons of love for others and how to practice forgiveness. Remember the 12 words that I often recite for anything that happens in our communities – I am the problem, I am the solution, I am the resource. We need to take personal responsibility for issues in the community, only then can we become a part of the solution by devoting our resources to make a difference.
Being a tyrant is the exact opposite of being a conscious parent that understands the give-and-take of effective parenting and is willing to adapt as needed to change. Tyranny has no place in society or in parenting. The lessons put forth by Professor Snyder are valuable reminders as we navigate the journey known as parenting.
- Snyder T. On Tyranny: Twenty Lessons from the Twentieth Century. New York, Tim Duggan Books. 2017. 128pp.
- Saul R. Conscious Parenting: Using the Parental Awareness Threshold. Robert Saul, 2020. 100pp.