Trust is such an important part of our social lives. And it seems that trust erodes so quickly when not nurtured in the appropriate way(s). Trust, therefore, requires a lot of work and needs to be integrated with other factors.1
“Trust me” is an oft-used expression by parents, adults and professionals to instill a sense of comfort for the advice they are giving or the advice they are telling others that their words are to be believed and truly trustworthy. But how do we get to the point? How do we get our children, our family members, fellow citizens, our patients, our business clients or colleagues to trust us?
I don’t think it is an exaggeration to state that “trust is the currency of social interaction”—that trust is the basis of how we can make our words and deeds worthy of the privilege of serving others or the privilege of telling others of what we think they should be doing. But the currency of social interaction needs to be developed and nurtured continually. Its key components are –
- Truth – a series of facts together constitute the truth. The truth allows for people to communicate honestly and interact honestly with the confidence and security of a caring contact. The converse is also true – that there is a real cost of lies that is not easily reversed.2 Lies are corrosive and erode the fabric of our lives. With lies, communication is not honest. Lies lead to a pervasive toxicity that truth cannot easily overcome. Trust has no basis in that scenario. Its currency is counterfeit.
- Knowledge – Sincere interactions are characterized by knowledge that is based on vast experience and always used in a caring manner. Knowledge is not necessarily academic knowledge. The knowledge of a skill like carpentry or plumbing can be one that has been acquired over time and passed in a trustworthy manner to others. They are equally valuable to passed on.
- Humanity – A trustworthy contact with others is always conducted with the understanding that we are on equal footing with our fellow citizens. We recognize our shared humanity and wish to help others but help in a humble fashion realizing that we can work together now and in the future.
- Empathy – The abilities to understand what others feel and to understand the situation of others are vital to learn how to interact with some degree of authenticity in interpersonal relationships. Empathy is so much more than just feeling and understanding. It should include an active attempt to actually learn the situations and circumstances that others endure.3 To quote Isabel Wilkerson, radical empathy “is not about you and what you think you would do in a situation you have never been in and perhaps never will. It is the kindred connection from a place of deep knowing that opens your spirit to the pain of another as they perceive.”
- Dependability – Our ability to be consistent in our interactions demonstrates how dependable we are. It demonstrates how others see our reactions and the consistency of those reactions. It demonstrates our resolve to act and react in measured ways that are predictable.
- Confidence – It is not always possible to be exceedingly confident in all of our interactions, but reasonable confidence tells others that we will be measured and honest in our interactions.
So, let me use a personal example. In my professional career as a medical geneticist and a pediatrician, my patients and families expect me to be truthful, knowledgeable, humane, empathetic, dependable, and confident in my demeanor and actions. If I am successful in those spheres, then what I say and how I say it will be seen as trustworthy. When I say “trust me,” I have to honest. I have to use the medical information that I know and acknowledge the information that I don’t know. Doctors don’t know everything. We have to be honest about our gaps in knowledge and how those gaps might be impactful to our joint decision making with our families. I have to engage the family in this joint decision making. Only then will my words and actions be trusted. And of course, if these interactions occur multiple times over an extended period of time, patients and families develop an even greater trust that continually strengthens. This process is ongoing and never-ending.
The professional trust discussed immediately above holds for many relationships – pastoral, parental, familial, colleague, business, educational and many more. Probably the most important trust in interpersonal relationships is between children and their parents.4 The safe, stable, nurturing relationships (SSNRs) with parents and their children are crucial to so many factors in childhood and to our lifelong health. Trust is the kingpin for SSNRs and the secret sauce that makes these relationships thrive when well managed.5
Trust that is based on truth, knowledge, humanity, empathy, dependability and confidence also serves as the best currency of social interactions. The confidence and security found in a trustworthy relationship offers a piece of mind that is crucial going forward. But we all know that there will be ups and downs in the process of developing and nurturing trust. The more consistency that we demonstrate over time, the more likely we are to be trusted.
We all want our currency of our social interactions – trust – to be valued. This currency only accrues value if we invest in the efforts and accept our ongoing responsibility. We want to trust others and we want them to trust us. Truth, knowledge, humanity, empathy, dependability and confidence will serve us well in these reciprocal relationships. It is really the only way forward.
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/trust-and-faithand-love/
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/the-cost-of-lies-2/
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/em-within-pathos-suffering-empathy-revisited/
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/my-three-moms-and-ssnrs/
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/spoiled-or-nurtured/