Dr. Bob: I don’t know when to set a curfew for my teenager. I remember that my parents set a curfew that I thought was too early. What do you think is a reasonable time? Does it change with age? What if his friends have a different curfew?
Answer: The whole concept of curfew is so important. Teens need regulation and need to have limits set. This is for their protection and for the protection of others. I remember the age-old adage that “nothing good happens after midnight.” There is a good reason for that saying in that the risk of motor vehicle accidents and of exposure to alcohol and drugs goes up dramatically. We protect our children at home so we should have equal protection when they are out alone or with friends. Let me note some general comments –
- Curfew can be a flexible time, depending on the age of the child and the activity. But it is so important to know where they are.
- Early in the teen years, curfew might be 9:30 or 10 PM. Later in the teen years, it could be 11 PM. I personally think that 12 PM is too late.
- Curfew can be a tool to affect behavior. Reasonably changing curfew based on school performance, doing chores or other behaviors can get the attention of your teenager.
- Once curfew is set, it should be inflexible. The rule is to be home (in the front door) at the assigned time.
- Encourage your teenager to keep you up to date as to their whereabouts via text. The ability to text is such a blessing as compared to when I was growing up and no communication occurred until arriving home. You might make it a required activity prior to curfew.
- Have an honest discussion with your teenager about the need for curfew. Let them know that you were once a teenager and subject to certain rules/expectations. You remember when other teens did not heed their curfew or when others engaged in less than safe behaviors. Your concern for their safety is paramount.
- Remind your teenager about the behavior of others. Smoking, drinking or using drugs is dangerous anytime and to be avoided but when done late at night, the problems are compounded.
- Remind your teenager that the curfew set by other parents is not under your control, but you can control the curfew that you set. You set the curfew for your child, and you expect them to adhere to it. The old “but so-and-so can stay out until [blank]” does not apply to your child.
- Set reasonable limits that your children will respect when they grow up and have children. Remember that you are modeling behavior for their future parenting. In that regard, parents should keep reasonable hours themselves. “Nothing good happens after midnight” applies to everybody.
Always keep open the lines of communication. If your child has been drinking and using drugs, you do not want them to drive home. You should have discussed ahead of time that they can call you if problems occur, and you will pick them up. You will be very disappointed, but you do not want them to become a roadside fatality because they were afraid to call you. This latter point is so important. Your teens will make mistakes. Let’s not let these mistakes be fatal just because they were afraid to call. You’d rather handle mistakes with an alive child.
Curfews are important. The safety of your teenager might depend on them.
Dr. Saul is Professor of Pediatrics (Emeritus) at Prisma Health and his website is www.mychildrenschildren.com. Contact Dr. Bob at askdrbobsaul@gmail.com with more questions.