Dr. Bob: I am a new parent and concerned about what I hear about spoiling children. I have been cautioned to avoid doing too much (run to her whenever she cries or not being firm enough as she gets older) for her. Yet I want to do everything I can to make sure she feels loved and cared for. What advice do you have?
Answer: I love this question! Over the years I have learned that it really is not possible to spoil a child in the early years. I actually think it is unfortunate that we talk about spoiling a child when we are caring for their needs, nurturing and protecting them. We now know that critical to child development is the existence of safe, stable nurturing relationships (SSNRs) in the lives of children. Too many children facing childhood trauma (exposure to violence [physical, verbal, and/or emotional], neglect and household challenges) lack sustained SSNRs that can be the antidote to subsequent physical and emotional/behavioral issues in the teen years and adulthood.
Whenever a baby cries, it is likely that one of several things is needed – feeding, diaper change or wanting to be held and protected for whatever reason. It is our job as parents to do that. When one considers the above needs, attempts to fulfill those needs by parents in no way, shape, or form would (or should) be considered spoiling a child. In my years as a pediatrician, I all too often saw parents comment on how “spoiled” their infant was when they cried and wanted to be held. I took gentle exception to their misguided observations, trying to emphasize the importance of early nurturing fulfilling their basic needs as SSNRs are cemented into the parent-child bond. Those early bonds are crucial to the development of our children. Those early bonds are crucial to proper brain development and to the proper connections in the nervous system. We cannot underestimate their value as we continually review and revise our parental responses going forward.
Now I know that there are certain situations that can be quite trying. A colicky baby might not respond to cuddling. Sometimes parents need to step away for a moment to compose themselves if they are overly stressed. Parenting is a group project, and single parent homes especially will need extra assistance from a support team.
Let me get back to your original question – can I spoil my child? As children get older, I think It is possible to spoil a child with overindulgence of material goods or inappropriate responses to certain behaviors. Such parental actions can accentuate the normal selfishness of childhood. It is far too easy to blame normal childish behavior as the actions of a spoiled child. I fear that accepting that view and saying such undervalues the importance of nurturing at so many levels. Children are normally very ego-centric but rightly so. They are so dependent on their caregivers and they need to trust and expect those caregivers to supply their needs as they grow and develop. We want them to be smothered with SSNRs.
Remember that the first three years of life are so critical to developing strong attachments to others and to healthy brain growth and brain connections. During these 1000 days, I want us to avoid the term “spoiling” when we are caring for our children. We are nurturing them, and we should be proud of it!
Dr. Saul is Professor of Pediatrics (Emeritus) at Prisma Health and his website is www.mychildrenschildren.com. Contact Dr. Bob at askdrbobsaul@gmail.com with more questions.