Dr. Bob: My 2-year-old son will often bite other children in the daycare at church. I am so embarrassed. My other children never did that. He bit my husband once, and he popped him. While I know that he shouldn’t have done that, my son has not bitten him since. What should I do?
Answer: Your question highlights a very common issue. It is not unusual for children to bite others at a young age. There are many reasons that have been put forth.
- It’s an experiment. They are getting used to biting into food and now the opportunity might be available to try the same on others. Hopefully that experiment will not go well (more later) and that behavior will go away.
- Related to teething. As teeth are erupting, children have a new awareness of these new “things” in their mouths. Biting on certain objects like teething rings can provide some comfort. They might generalize this comfort to biting people. We don’t like it, but they don’t know that.
- Stress release. Children might be frustrated with a certain situation, they might be anxious with a series of events, or they might be striking out in a manner that seems ok to them. While we see biting as a bad behavior, they are trying to relieve the stress and biting seems logical. Unfortunately, they might see others using physical means to express their displeasure. While they cannot strike someone, they can certainly bite others to express themselves. Children do learn what they are taught.
It might be easy for us to understand that children are using biting to express themselves and do not mean any significant harm. But if you have ever been on the receiving end of a bite (I have both personally and professionally!), you know that it is not easy to keep your cool and be calm. I recommend the following potential courses of action.
- When the biting occurs, quickly but gently stop the biting and move the child, stating “no, we don’t bite. It hurts and we don’t like to hurt people.” I cannot overemphasize doing it gently. Your actions should not be a punishment. Your actions should be using discipline. Since discipline (changing unwanted behaviors in a positive manner – a positive teaching experience) involves love and nurturing, altering even an unwanted behavior can be done in a positive way. Hopefully he will learn that this little experiment is not worth repeating.
- The child might need to be removed from the room for a brief period of time.
- As the parent, I would apologize to the other child or family for the incident. I would not state that your child is bad but rather that he still needs to learn his limits. By apologizing, you are modeling good behavior from the adult side of this encounter. Remember that you are not a bad parent for this to have happened.
- Do not yell at the child. You might be horrified that this occurred, but overreacting does not help calm the emotions.
- Do not slap, pop or even bite back. Physical punishment has no place in correcting child behavior. It typically provides evidence that it is ok to hit someone when something bad happens.
It is tough to remain calm when something like biting occurs. But calm is what is needed. A flurry of activity tends to accentuate the problem and make it worse. Let’s keep the peace and move forward.
Dr. Saul is Professor of Pediatrics (Emeritus) at Prisma Health and his website is www.mychildrenschildren.com. Contact Dr. Bob at askdrbobsaul@gmail.com with more questions.