Dr. Bob: I am being treated for cancer. Like Princess Kate, I am very concerned about how to tell my children and how to deal with active treatment that might affect my parenting. Both of my children are under 10 so I anticipate a tough time with trying to tell them. What is your advice?
Answer: I completely understand your concern and hope the best for you going forward. Let’s break down your question into three areas.
First, I know that you are very worried about this diagnosis yourself. The diagnosis of cancer is a difficult one, even with modern cancer therapy including surgery, radiation therapy and chemotherapy. Try as best as you can to let yourself feel and express the emotions that are present, doing so with your spouse, siblings, parents, friends or other close folks. Please use the resources that are also available through your cancer unit. It is important to be honest and have an outlet to help you cope with this difficult diagnosis.
Second, it is important to be honest with your children but in a non-explicit way. Something like – “I just went to the doctor and found out that I am sick. This sickness will be difficult to treat and might involve special medicine and special x-rays. I might have to use special hand washing and even wear a mask at times.” – might help set the stage for the seriousness of the diagnosis and all of the complications and special arrangements that will be needed. Emphasize the support that your family will have and discuss the components of care.
- I think it’s important to emphasize that you are under the care of an expert doctor that specializes in this type of sickness.
- This is tricky. Most children think that medical treatments mean that you take a medicine and things get better. It will be difficult for them to understand that you might have to go frequently for treatment and that the treatments might make you sicker in the short term. The IV treatments might seem extreme to children but explain that strong medicine works better that way for this illness. If radiation therapy is needed, just explain that x-rays (just like when you get an x-ray for an injury but much stronger) can help in this illness.
- Side effects. The medicine and the radiation therapy more than likely will cause side effects to include weakness, fatigue, weight loss and hair loss. Explaining ahead of time that these things might occur can help manage expectations, such as the need to have a wig, a hat or a bandana.
- Spending time with others is one of the joys of life, however, cancer and its treatments can make it very difficult. You need to be protected from potential infections that can make you worse. Be sure to emphasize good handwashing and wearing a mask if necessary. FaceTime connection might be necessary and is a great alternative when there are concerns about colds, the flu, COVID and other illnesses.
Finally, parenting is difficult in times of good health and can be even more stressful and difficult when dealing with cancer. Seek assistance as often as needed. Do not be afraid or ashamed to accept this assistance. Celebrate good times with gusto. Your children can be of assistance but should be sheltered from major burdens as much as possible. Talk with your pediatrician as they can offer sound advice.
Dr. Saul is Professor of Pediatrics (Emeritus) at Prisma Health and his website is www.mychildrenschildren.com. Contact Dr. Bob at askdrbobsaul@gmail.com with more questions.