Parents always have dreams for the future of their children. “Will she become President? Will he become a sports superstar? Will she be healthy? Will he marry and have healthy children? Will she be happy? How can I assure their happiness?” This question (Will they be happy?) is probably the most frequently asked question and is the predominant dream of all parents. We want our children to be happy and lead fulfilling lives.
I remember when I was growing up, my mother frequently told me that I should do whatever I wanted to do as long as I was happy. “As long as I was happy” seemed to be the key phrase. Her dream for me was to be “happy.” I think part of this instruction to me was based on parental guilt, that as a single mother she felt that her best attempts at parenting were still short of the ideal. Nothing could have been further from the truth, and I think that goal is not complete or well-stated.
Well, I adopted the same misguided goal as I entered parenthood. I wanted my children to be happy. I now realize that I was very short-sighted, and the isolated goal of “happiness” is not what parents should aspire to for their children. Parents care for their children and want the best for them. Parents care for their children by exhibiting compassion, empathy and wisdom.
“Happy” can be such a vague concept. Happiness can be defined as “a positive and pleasant emotion, ranging from contentment to intense joy.” Children are happy at Christmas when they open their presents. Getting a new bike, a new video game or even new ripped jeans might lead to positive emotion. When a teen, getting your driver’s permit and some freedom to get around might be the pinnacle of happiness.
But what is the right goal? I will be so bold as to suggest the goal of childhood happiness. I think the right goal for parents to seek for their children is for them to be nice people, to be good citizens.
That might seem off-center or ill-advised. Yes, I think that if our children grow up to be nice people, we will have been truly successful parents. No matter what walk of life, no matter what economic status, no matter what job status, people need to learn how to be nice to each other in all their interactions. I used the word “nice” in the sense of caring, loving, sharing, helping and nurturing. In my mind, “nice” and “kind” are synonymous and represent deep, meaningful interactions. They are not used in a superficial context. People that have the attributes of caring, loving, sharing, helping and nurturing will be happy. There is no doubt in my mind about it.
As others read this, I suspect that the word “nice” will be rejected as too cutesy. They will state that that sounds like progressive or socialist gibberish. I would argue quite the contrary. When we lose track of our responsibility to others, we are forgetting the basic tenets of our democracy – that all people are created equal and worthy of our support. When we care for, love, share, help and nurture others, we are fostering the ideals of a democratic society as founded in the late 1700s. All too often our collective selfishness has neglected wide swaths of our society. It might be trite to say that such behavior is not nice, but I stand by that characterization.
People might think that they can be happy just by achieving their financial goals or by their professional success. These people are not necessarily nice people. If they have achieved their goals or successes without caring, loving, sharing, and helping along the way, they still have work to do.
We want our children to be nice people. Nice people can be paupers or millionaires. Nice people are happy from the fulfillment of helping others, not from their wealth or success. One of the dictionary definitions for being happy is “the feeling of pleasure or contentment.” Nice people indeed have that feeling.
I fully realize that many adults who are nice people still suffer the inequities of a less-than-perfect society. Poverty, illness, social injustice, and discrimination take their toll on countless people in our country. They might not be “happy” in the material sense of the word, but I have encountered so many parents in these situations who have been so nice in their interactions with their children, their health care providers and me. Their ability to maintain that equipoise (I know it’s a fancy word but apropos here) – the ability to maintain equilibrium between competing forces – signals their happiness. They are being affected negatively by external forces, yet they recognize their role in continuing to make the world a better place in their interactions with others.
Caring for children with intellectual and physical disabilities has reminded me of the beauty of all children. Even children with limited ways of expressing themselves emanate a spirit of kindness that families easily recognize and the rest of us can experience if we pay attention. That spirit has been the light that shined bright so many times during my days in the office.
My mother had her flaws, yet her strengths far outweighed them. Her guilt as a single parent was misplaced and really ill-founded. The foundation from her parenting was a solid rock for me to stand on and use for my sons and grandchildren. She was quirky and silly at times, but I’d like to think that I have emulated her love of God and her love of others in my life’s work, professional and personal.
Again, I think parents should aspire for their children to be good citizens. Caring, loving, sharing, helping and nurturing are the key operational words. Parents, therefore, need to do everything in their power to achieve this goal, constantly teaching our children the importance of helping others. By helping others, we are improving their lives and our lives and the life of our community. Our children should be nice people and, then, they will be happy. That is my dream and I hope the dream of all.