Dr. Bob: My 4-year-old son seems to have picked up some of his older brother’s stubbornness. He has even found it funny to use words he knows that we do not approve of. I know that I shouldn’t threaten to wash his mouth out but am at wit’s end. Please help!
Answer: Your problem is such a common one. As children grow, they love to do two things – 1) try to copy or emulate their older sibs. They so often look up to their sibs as having great privileges – get to stay up later, stay out of the house at times, get to do such grown-up things at time, and so many other things; 2) use words that have a real shock value and get them noticed. Let’s tackle several of the issues individually.
- Gently remind him that there are indeed different standards and expectations at different ages. The behavior of his older sibs isn’t necessarily behavior that the parents accept. The parents will deal with the sibs in a different way and not necessarily in front of him.
- I would remind the older sibs that they are role models. While they are around their 4-year-old brother, they need to be careful of their words and behavior. You appreciate it so much when they can be that positive example.
- You do expect your son to know what is right and wrong since he is now 4 years old. (Of course, he doesn’t really understand of the nuances of right-and-wrong but does know to his 4-year-old level of thinking.) In a calm manner, respond that the words that you deem offensive are not to be used. Be careful – they love to use words referring bodily functions. Poop is a classic favorite. It might be perfectly fine to use those words in the privacy of the home with the understanding that those words are restricted to the house. And when you remove the shock value when he says the word, over time his use will diminish also.
- If he persists on using the words in a setting that is not permitted (family gathering, in public at preschool), perhaps some temporary loss of privileges would be helpful. Make sure that the disciplinary measure is fair and delivered in a nurturing way, not a threatening way. Raised voices only serve to inflame the situation.
- Sometimes the whole family has to consider their behavior. What I used to consider “swear words” have become more common in today’s society and contribute to a lack of decorum. I would suspect that some words that we don’t like to hear out of a 4-year-old’s mouth are often spoken out loud by the parents or close relatives. If their use is commonplace, your child will see that is okay to say that. When he does say it and the parents are shocked, it only achieves greater status in his developing vocabulary (“look how I can shock my parents!”
In sum, a calm response to stubborn behavior and unacceptable words should be handled with positive discipline (a nurturing teaching experience) without verbal exchanges or physical actions that are threatening. We do not want to instill fear in our children. Corrective actions can be accomplished without introducing fear-provoking conflict. Remember to model the words and deeds that you want your child to have.
Dr. Saul is Professor of Pediatrics (Emeritus) at Prisma Health and his website is www.mychildrenschildren.com. Contact Dr. Bob at askdrbobsaul@gmail.com with more questions.