Author Dr. Robert Saul

Raising Young Citizens in the Age of Columbine

Discipline does not equal punishment

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It has long been assumed that when the term “discipline” is used that it really means punishment to provide consequences for undesired behavior.  Policy makers and politicians often lament that we need more discipline in the schools.  School officials use the term “disciplinary matters” to describe actions that will be taken to address aberrant or unacceptable behavior, i.e., punishment.  Parents routinely ask their pediatrician how to more effective discipline their child when they do something wrong or what is the appropriate punishment for a certain behavior or attitude.

The intrinsic problem with equating discipline with punishment is a misunderstanding of the meaning of discipline.  The word discipline comes from a root word meaning to teach or instruct.  This is a critical point – discipline should be an effort to teach or instruct our children how to improve their behavior. So, concerns about developmental issues or perceived behavior problems should be handled as opportunities to teach or instruct.  We have lost track of this important distinction.

As a pediatrician, I have seen families deal with behavior problems in many ways – some good and some bad.  All too often, I’ve seen parents “pop” their infants or toddlers with a spanking or yell “shut up” when the child is doing what the parent doesn’t want them to do.  This manner of instruction is ineffective discipline and actually teaches the wrong lessons.

Some will contend that corporal punishment “when done properly” is perfectly fine.  They will say that “my parents gave me a good whippin’ and it taught me a lesson that I did not forget.” They will further contend that it did not scar them or turn them into using physical punishment in the future.  Well, there is good evidence that when corporal punishment is used that children are more likely to manifest aggressive behavior and perform worse in some cognitive assessments.1 And you are more likely to use corporal punishment when you are angry.  The message then becomes that it is ok to hit someone when you are angry.  That is to be avoided at all costs.

A comparable analogy would be to compare smoking to corporal punishment.  Smoking does not guarantee that you will develop lung cancer or emphysema, but it dramatically increases your risks. Similarly, most people exposed to corporal punishment do not necessarily become violent adults, but it does significantly increase their chances of using physical means to settle differences (with children, spouses or others) in the future.  There are other ways to teach children the right message than physically striking them.  Not only do we want to give them the right instruction, we don’t want to put them at risk for subsequent problems.

So, the logical question from most parents has been – what do I do for effective discipline? I would suggest the following –

  • Discipline to correct behavior should always be instruction given in a positive, supportive, loving relationship. Disagreement and/or emotional discord is far less likely to occur in that environment and the information tends to be received better.2
  • It is important that parents practice conscious parenting, understanding their own situation (emotional status at any moment in time) and the developmental and emotional well-being of their child.3
  • Use positive reinforcement to increase desired behaviors. It is always better to be proactive in praising desired behaviors instead of reacting to undesired behaviors.
  • Remove reinforcement to reduce or eliminate undesired behaviors. There are plenty of things that can be considered for temporary restriction.
  • Avoid verbal abuse. It can be just as toxic or painful as corporal punishment.  You might intensely dislike the behavior, but you can never intensely dislike your child. (Note my avoidance of the word hate)4
  • Be consistent. Children will learn how to use inconsistent discipline to their perceived advantage.

It is my contention that the false equivalency between discipline and punishment continues to be a factor that significantly impairs the healthy nurturing of our children and can impede the safe, stable nurturing relationships that are so vital to effective parenting.5 The sage advice of the experts at the American Academy of Pediatrics can be quite helpful along with one’s pediatrician to guide parents in this difficult journey called parenting.6

I would hope that we could value our children better than we currently do.  When policy makers continue to stress punishment in children to correct maladaptive behavior, they continue to neglect root causes that should be addressed. When we continue to address behavior problems as “what is wrong with you” instead of “what happened to you”, we place the blame on the child and try to absolve us of any responsibility.7,8  There are so many things that we can do to create successful environments for children and continue to make discipline (teaching) an enjoyable fruitful activity.

When punishment is our primary mindset for children’s misbehavior, we undervalue our children and place them at continued risk. We must be mindful of the situations that our children are in.  When we neglect to treat some children with as much care and empathy as we do our own children, we have accepted that all the children are not our children.  And, to do that is to neglect our common humanity.

As a child of the 60s, I remember the song “Teach your children” by Crosby, Still, Nash and Young.  Indeed, we need to teach our children well so they can grow up and be successful citizens and parents.  Discipline is always more effective than punishment in the short term and the long run. Let’s remember to teach in the presence of safe, stable nurturing relationships.  We will all reap the benefits when we care more about teaching than about punishment.

  1. Berlin LJ, Ispa JM, Fine MA et al. Correlates and consequences of spanking and verbal punishment for low-income white, African American and Mexican American toddlers. Child Dev. 2009 Sep-Oct;80(5):1403-1420.
  2. Saul R. My Children’s Children: Raising Young Citizens in the Age of Columbine (Chapter 4 – Discipline: positive rather than negative). CreateSpace 2013. 225 pp.
  3. Saul R. Conscious Parenting: Using the Parental Threshold. Koehler Books 2020.
  4. https://mychildrenschildren.com/the-toxicity-of-hate/
  5. Garner, A.S. and Saul, R.A., 2018. Thinking Developmentally — Nurturing Wellness in Childhood to Promote Lifelong Health. Itasca, IL: American Academy of Pediatrics.
  6. Sege RD, Siegel BS, COUNCIL ON CHILD ABUSE AND NEGLECT and COMMITTEE ON PSYCHOSOCIAL ASPECTS OF CHILD AND FAMILY HEALTH. Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children. PEDIATRICS December 2018, 142 (6) e20183112; DOI: https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2018-3112
  7. Perry BD, Winfrey O. What Happened to You? Conversation on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing. Flatiron Books, 2021. 298 pp.
  8. https://mychildrenschildren.com/our-children-are-ill-should-we-treat-the-symptoms-or-the-cause/