Back in October 2021, I wrote about empathy.1 The subject of empathy and seeking its understanding can be an all-consuming task. I’d like to think that I succeed more often than I fail but an honest assessment reveals that I often struggle and need to do better. It is helpful to look at its classic definition and then examine some of the milestones along my (and others) journey to seek an even stronger commitment to understand and help others. Let me reshare some of my empathy journey and add some new thoughts –
- The definition of empathy in an online dictionary is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. This seems so simple on the surface, but empathy is an active process, not a passive one. So, I need to examine further my perception of empathy and to truly understand the meaning of being within (‘em’) another person’s suffering (‘pathos’).
- An early milestone in my journey was to internalize the words from health care futurist, Leland Kaiser.2 For anything happening in my community, I need to realize that “I am the problem, I am the solution, I am the resource.” By accepting personal responsibility in issues that face my fellow citizens, I am acknowledging that I need to be part of the solution and engage my resources.
- Dr. Bruce Perry reminds us that “the capacity to demonstrate empathy is a function of key neural networks in the brain…[that] are organized on a use-dependent basis. In other words, just as language fluency requires exposure to lots of conversation and verbal stimulation, ‘empathic fluency’ requires sufficient repetition with caring relational interactions. And our modern world is not providing these opportunities for our children. [emphasis mine]”3 He notes that the primacy of human connectedness is lost in our modern world but not so in indigenous cultures. It is ironic that “modernity” loses the connectivity that we should be seeking.
- Dr. Daaleman in 2014 provides a provocative explanation of the concept of mercy – “mercy is a willingness to enter into the chaos of others…[and is a] developed human capacity that involves hard, uncertain, and hidden work.”4 The chaos of others can be quite discomforting, yet it is the measure of our ability to exhibit mercy and provide the nurturing care that is necessary to improve our lives, the lives of others and the life of our community. To borrow a phrase from this article, “if the arc of [human compassion] is to ultimately bend toward healing, mercy will be its fulcrum.”
- When reading Basil Hero’s book The Mission of a Lifetime: Lessons from the Men who went to the Moon, I learned about two virtues that the author cites as consistent in the psychological profiles of the men that went to the Moon—1) devotion to something greater than oneself and 2) the pursuit of the common good.5 These virtues are so essential for people that are devoted to helping. He further notes that the space travelers appreciated the gifts that are given to all humans—the planet Earth and life on planet Earth. Astronaut James Lovell remarked in a statement that “we don’t go to heaven when we die, we go to heaven when we’re born.” It is provocative to suggest that heaven is something other than that spiritual entity that we ascend to after death. It strikes me that such a revelation can indeed give us an incentive to recognize the same and live accordingly, practicing empathy to the fullest.
- The lifetime work of Bishop Michael Curry exudes empathy.6 He mentions that opposite of love is not hate but rather selfishness – “If love looks outward, to the good of the other, then its opposite isn’t hate. Its opposite is selfishness! It’s a life completely centered on the self…that nothing good ever comes out of selfishness and greed.” This worldly view instructs us to look at ways to recognize more of my own selfishness and be more empathic.
- A reading of the book Caste: The Origins of our Discontents by Isabel Wilkerson provides more fodder for our empathy journey.7 As Americans, we quickly condemn the long-standing caste system of India and the fortunately short-lived caste system of Nazi Germany. Yet we fail to recognize our own caste system that has survived for centuries here and will require significant efforts to dismantle. The end of slavery, the end of the Civil War, and even the civil rights legislation of the 1960s have still not broken down the aspects of a caste system that can poison our society if we are truly seeking to care for each other. I was moved to hear about Albert Einstein’s perceptive recognition of the existing caste system (with overt racism) in the USA shortly after his arrival in 1932 (fleeing Germany) and long into his time here in our country. And I was struck by the Ms. Wilkerson’s discussion of empathy and radical empathy – “Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy is looking across at someone and feeling sorrow, often in times of loss. Empathy is not pity. Pity is looking down from above and feeling a distant sadness for another in their misfortune. Empathy is commonly viewed as putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and imaging how you would feel. That could be seen as a start, but that is little more than role-playing, and it is not enough in the ruptured world that we live in. Radical empathy, on the other hand, means putting in the work to educate oneself and to listen with a humble heart to understand another’s experience from their perspective, not as we imagine we would feel. Radical empathy is not about you and what you think you would do in a situation you have never been in and perhaps never will. It is the kindred connection from a place of deep knowing that opens your spirit to the pain of another as they perceive.” Wilkerson puts an even finer point on radical empathy – “In our era, it is not enough to be tolerant. You tolerate mosquitoes in the summer, a rattle in an engine, the gray slush that collects at the crosswalk in winter. You tolerate what you would rather not have to deal with and wish would go away. It is no honor to be tolerated. Every spiritual tradition says love your neighbor as yourself, not tolerate them.”
My personal introspection reveals that I am making headway on this journey. I know that “mere” empathy is insufficient, and that I have to be more than “just” tolerant of the plight of others. The active process of empathy, willing to enter in the chaos of others (‘em’) and delve into their suffering (‘pathos’), can be emotionally draining and equally chaotic. I have to use my own strengths and weaknesses to reach out, gently peek behind the curtain, be humble, and actively pursue a course of active engagement. Role-playing is not enough. I need to keep those use-dependent empathy pathways open. I know that I have it within me to do this, but I will need strength and endurance and be willing to recognize my own humanity as I make strides forward and probably some steps backward. Empathy reminds us that the world doesn’t revolve around us, that we are just a small part, but capable of significant good.
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/em-within-pathos-suffering-empathy-revisited/
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/my-childrens-children-name/
- Perry B, Winfrey O. What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing. Flatiron Books; 2021. 301 pp.
- Daaleman TP. The quality of mercy: will you be my doctor? JAMA. 2014;312:1863-4.
- Hero B. The Mission of a Lifetime: Lessons from the Men Who Went to the Moon. Grand Central Publishing; 2019. 277 pp.
- Curry M. Love is the Way: Holding on to Hope in Troubling Times. Avery, 2020. 272 pp.
- Wilkerson I: Caste: The Origins of our Discontents. Random House; 2020. 476 pp.