Forgiveness is an essential part of human existence. The ability to forgive allows us to move on in our lives, progressing from childhood to adolescence to adulthood. Forgiveness is, therefore, a fundamental developmental step and a skill refined in the course of our lives. Without the ability to forgive, we could not make progress.
Indeed, more often than not, the inability to forgive leads to hatred and intolerance in our society. Without the ability to forgive, we cannot grow as individuals, sharing life’s pleasures with our family, our friends, and our community. We are all human beings. We are not perfect. We will make mistakes. We are accountable for our mistakes, and we need to take responsibility for them. Yet, the next step after recognizing mistakes and assuming responsibility for our mistakes is forgiveness.
A modern-day bestseller, now published over 25 years ago, touches on this very topic. Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom details the philosophical ideals of Morrie Schwartz, a dying college sociology professor.1 Morrie asked the author (and us, the readers) some very simple yet profound questions about life:
- “Have you found someone to share your heart with?”
- “Are you giving to your community?”
- “Are you at peace with yourself?”
- “Are you trying to be as human as you can be?”
If we are truthful with ourselves, we will admit that we have made mistakes. But Morrie goes on to remind us about forgiveness and that it is a two-step process. “Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Don’t wait,” stated the kindly gentleman dying of a progressive disease of the nervous system. “I mourn my dwindling time, but I cherish the chance it gives me to make things right.”
That is a very powerful series of thoughts. We must forgive ourselves for our indiscretions and mistakes (accepting responsibility and apologizing) before we can go to the next level. Then we must forgive others who might have wronged us. And we cannot wait. Morrie tells us, rightly, that we cannot go on with our lives unless we 1) forgive ourselves, 2) forgive others, and 3) do it now.
Most of the time when we do hurtful things to people, we do not know what we have done. Only after time has passed and experience has been gained can we realize that we have been wrong. If we eventually realize the error of our ways, why are we so slow to apologize? Why are churches so slow to apologize for past errors? Why are governmental bodies and politicians so slow to apologize for (or even recognize) past errors? Why are we as citizens, neighbors, family members, spouses, and parents so slow to apologize for past errors? Is it pride, concern about possible loss of authority, obstinance, or unwillingness to compromise? Well, it is all of those things. Our humanity gets in our way and often keeps up from doing the right thing. Conflict resolution is poorly taught and slowly learned in our lifetimes.
In this season of Lent and Easter, the words attributed to Jesus Christ are as valid today as they were two millennia ago – “Forgive them Father for they know not what they have done.” The ability to forgive is essential for the continuation of the human race, and it is the most difficult trait to execute and exhibit on a regular basis. Yet the message of Jesus Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection can not be clearer – we must learn to recognize our own mistakes and forgive ourselves; we must learn to accept the mistakes of others, practicing forgiveness. Only then can we learn to love others and learn how to work together for our common good.
If we are to practice and exhibit forgiveness, what traits are necessary? I’m sure that my list is too short but let me make some suggestions.
- Vulnerability – It is very hard to forgive others. I think vulnerability is the key.2 Nobody likes to be vulnerable since it is perceived to indicate a position of weakness. Yet to truly forgive someone and to accept forgiveness from someone, we must be vulnerable. We must not be in a position of power but in a position of equality. To be calm, deliberative and willing to forgive means to accept the possibility of vulnerability. By the grace of God, we are forgiven. We can do no less for others.
- Sincerity – People that are sincere are genuine in their feelings and express earnest devotion without reservation or misgiving. This perhaps is one of the more difficult components of forgiveness. However, without sincerity, forgiveness is hollow. Sincerity demands honesty and openness. If we are insincere, our apology is seen as incomplete and often perceived as being worse than no apology at all.
- Humility – Humility is the state of not being arrogant or assertive and of being reflective or expressing a spirit of deference. The ability to practice forgiveness is also characterized as to not be assertive and to reflect on the situation in the spirit of deference. Again, our pride often gets in the way of our ability to let humility govern our actions, taking a step back and looking at the situation recognizing our humanity and the humanity of others. When we practice humility, we have taken a giant step in the right direction.
- Reciprocity – It sure is easy to feel resentment when we have been “wronged,” and it is downright impossible at times to cease to feel resentment. When someone or something has made us feel bad, we just want to be angry and often try to get back at them. Unfortunately, that can just get us into trouble and create an even worse situation. When we reciprocate in a negative way, bad things happen. When reciprocate in a positive, mutually beneficial way good things happen. So, the double-edged sword of reciprocity can be a force for good when we consciously let it.
- Reconciliation – During the last half century of my life, I have been evolving through various stages of forgiveness. I’d like to think that I’m pretty savvy at this point and can recognize the need to exercise forgiveness to myself for my own failings and to others for their transgressions. This process is called reconciliation. I still have trouble with forgiveness for one of the most important relationships in my life – my father. His less-than-honorable behavior at many times (secondary in part to alcoholism) left many scars in my family. He has been dead for close to 45 years, and I should be able to come to grips with this, exercising forgiveness and moving on. Reconciliation can be very hard at times.
- Susceptibility – When we practice forgiveness, we are susceptible to significant feelings and sensitivities in both ourselves and the individuals around us. Sometimes the inability to deal with our feelings and provide the appropriate sensitivity to others impedes our ability to be appropriately “susceptible” to the changes needed to practice forgiveness. The susceptibility associated with forgiveness is good and worthy of our humble consideration.
(An Aside – The problem with politics. Politics is so difficult because politicians usually refuse to accept the vulnerability and susceptibility that are necessary for the practice of forgiveness. By adopting the necessary posture for forgiveness, they feel that they are seen as weak and ineffective when I would argue quite the contrary. By appropriately exercising forgiveness with sincerity and humility whenever it is appropriate, our leaders would exercise more Christian principles and better serve their constituents. Leaders should always consider their journey in leadership no different than their life’s journey—filled with life-changing experiences that require flexibility and adaptability. We also need to add in the qualities of empathy, open communication and the acceptance of change for effective debating and policy decision-making. All of these factors are integral to forgiveness.)
I don’t think that I can sum up this article any better than close with the refrain from the beloved hymn Here I Am Lord. To practice forgiveness, we need to accept our common humanity and our vulnerability, exercise empathy and then declare – Here I am Lord/It is I Lord/I have heard You calling in the night/I will go Lord/If You lead me/I will hold Your people in my heart.
- Albom M. Tuesdays with Morrie: an old man, a young man, and life’s greatest lesson. Doubleday; 1997. 192 pp.
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/vulnerability-makes-us-strong/