Author Dr. Robert Saul

Raising Young Citizens in the Age of Columbine

Forgiveness is so hard

By

“DAD!!!”

That blood-curdling scream is why I am here today.  Thanks to my brother, I can relate a personal story and a continued personal journey.

It started on a summer Saturday evening around 1958.  My father took my brother and me to his friend’s house in a rural area of the northern Chicago suburbs.  Swimming, eating and adult drinking ensued.  My father was clearly inebriated but still chose to drive my brother and me home that evening.  Not too far down the road, our car had veered across the center line and was on certain collision course into the oncoming headlights.  My brother’s scream (DAD!!!) caused my father to course correct, and we eventually made it home.  When my mother found out, she took steps to seek a divorce in a marriage that was already on the rocks.  Prior to that, I remember my father tossing a potted plant in a rage with it landing in the grand piano.  These are not pleasant memories.

My parents divorced in 1959, and I always had a complicated relationship with my father.  Good at times and not so good at times.  When I was applying for a fellowship in medical genetics in the 1970s, he accompanied me.  When I returned to the hotel one night with my host from the medical center, my father was drunk.  My embarrassment was palpable.

My father died in 1980 from complications of throat cancer (smoking and alcohol) and liver disease (alcohol).  There was no memorial service or family gathering to celebrate his life.  My stepmother arranged for the dispersal of his ashes.

 

Fred Rogers

 

Why do I bring this story up?  I have previously discussed this in part.1   In the movie A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, Fred Rogers reminded a cynical journalist dealing the similar issues with his father that we are a product of all of the people in our lives. I reflected that “If we are the product of all of those in our lives, then I must accept that indeed my father has had a profound effect in my life. I’d like to think that the positive aspects from his life have been incorporated into my life.  The negative aspects have served to remind me that everyone is human and flawed in some way.  And I need to remember that those negative aspects have served as a guide for things to avoid and things to do better.  And I need to remember that forgiveness is the guide for the journey forward.”

Now I come back to this reflection because I still have problems with forgiveness at times.  For those that know me, this might seem odd.

  • I am on a journey to understand forgiveness for over 30 years now
  • I consider forgiveness a key component in efforts to improve our communities2
  • I consider forgiveness critical to our role as citizens3
  • I consider forgiveness a requisite life skill for all of us4
  • I promote the importance of forgiveness in most every conversation I have when discussing my current work of children’s advocacy, community advocacy, and children and families affected with trauma in some way.

I now know that my father was likely raised in a less-than-optimal nurturing environment that predisposed him to certain emotional and behavioral issues when growing up.  Add in probable post-traumatic stress disorder from his service in the Navy in the Pacific during WWII, a potential perfect storm of events cracked his happy-go-lucky demeanor when stressful events arose.  He was fallible and suffered from a confluence of various factors.

So why do I still dwell on these past incidents? Why can’t I just move on?  I think I have moved on but cannot ignore my humanity. I have learned over my forgiveness journey that our humanity usually gets in the way of this process.  This has certainly been a personal observation and a slow-to-accept personal revelation.  Learning this over time has led me extend forgiveness to my father, albeit posthumously, and to move on.  Yet the emotions still can well up and remind me that my deeds don’t always match up with my words.  I can always do better.  I think that I have learned to be mindful of the humanity of those around me and have sought to be less judgmental.

My forgiveness journey has identified multiple sources of information but perhaps none so substantial as THE BOOK OF FORGIVING: THE FOURFOLD PATH FOR HEALING OURSELVES AND OUR WORLD by the Tutus and THE FORGIVENESS PROJECT: STORIES FOR A VENGEFUL AGE by Marina Cantacuzino.5,6  Nobel Laureate Archbishop Desmond Tutu and his daughter propose a fourfold path on our forgiveness journeys – Tell the story, name the hurt, grant forgiveness and renew or release the relationship.  Those steps are not discrete but articulate a process that can lead to a healthier relationship with yourself and others as we all struggle with the issues of forgiveness.  I also highly recommend the Introduction to the latter book as required reading.  Some pertinent quotes from her book serve to highlight its importance –

  • “Forgiveness [is] a direction rather than a destination, a difficult process in the course of which one day you might forgive and next day hate all over again.”
  • Forgiveness has a “up-down-backwards-forwards-inside-outside-on-off quality”
  • “If forgiveness is about reconciliation, it doesn’t mean reconciling with the perpetrator; first and foremost it means reconciling with yourself. Making peace with a painful event is what allows people to live with hurt and catastrophe, find resolution and move on.”
  • “If forgiveness was a colour, for me it would be grey, the colour of compromise and conciliation, and because it sits between the two extremes of black and white.”
  • “Forgiveness becomes tangible and useful when it is part of a renewal process; when it involves repairing damaged relationships or rebuilding fractured communities; when it can heal grievances that extend or fester across generations.”
  • “I have seen how the act of forgiving unsticks you from the trauma and awakens new possibilities and hopes.”

 

Forgiveness

 

So, my humanity occasionally catches up with me as I proceed on my forgiveness journey.  I realize that it is a direction with diversions that might sidetrack me, but I hope to continue to evolve and progress moving forward. To be properly respectful to the memory of my father and his human frailties, I accept his faults.  I forgive him.  I forgive myself for continuing to harbor ill feelings.  And, I will seek to promote the virtues of forgiveness.  I can do no less.

 

  1. https://mychildrenschildren.com/revisiting-my-father-thanks-to-fred-rogers/
  2. Saul R. My Children’s Children: Raising Young Citizens in the Age of Columbine. CreateSpace, 2013. 225 pp.
  3. https://mychildrenschildren.com/communal-forgiveness-2/
  4. https://mychildrenschildren.com/forgiveness-a-requisite-life-skill/
  5. Tutu D, Tutu M. The Book of Forgiving: the Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World. HarperOne, 2014. 229 pp.
  6. Cantacuzino M. The Forgiveness Project: Stories for a Vengeful Age. Jessica Kingsley, 2015. 185 pp.