Dr. Bob: My husband and I are seriously considering becoming foster parents. We have a very independent teenager, and we all think that we can offer a very stable environment and help nurture some children through difficult times. We know that this will pose some challenges but would like your thoughts about the process.
Answer: Thank you for your willingness to enter into this type of arrangement!! There are too many children that need such assistance, and I love to see families willing to step in. What a blessing for you to consider a role in such a process!
Personally (as a foster parent briefly in college and medical school) and professionally (as a pediatrician), I have seen firsthand the unique role that foster parents can serve in the lives of children needing this care. Their care is so important to provide “a shelter in the storm” of the lives of children.
I do not profess to know the specific steps necessary in the process so I would encourage you to visit the DSS website (https://dss.sc.gov/child-well-being/foster-care/) to start your inquiry. There is a central group that can help start the process (https://heartfeltcalling.org), and there are multiple DSS licensing partners, including Connie Maxwell Children’s Ministries here in Greenwood, across the state.
Several things to be aware of –
- Children entering the foster care system all have troubling circumstances that have led to this need, yet each one is unique in their specific needs.Society tends to view the needs of foster children in a global fashion (often one size fits all) but this view is overall harmful to the children in my estimation. We must invest the time and resources to serve the unique circumstances of each child or set of siblings.
- One can expect some turbulent times with the behavior of foster children.We now know that the trauma experienced by children leading to foster care placement (physical abuse, emotional abuse, inadequate nurturing and more) will have significant impact on the ability to handle stress.
- A minor issue (a dropped glass, a toe stepped on, a raised voice) might trigger a dramatic response that seems totally out of proportion to the circumstances.The tendency in that situation is often to ask “what is wrong with you” when the more appropriate question would be “what happened to you.” This latter question can help the lengthy process of tailoring care and interventions that are suitable to the child.
- I think our tendency as foster parents is to view the biological parents through a lens that highlights their faults.We should never lose sight of their humanity and be careful of our judgment, especially when our circumstances are vastly different.
- The range of behaviors that foster children can exhibit are no different than non-foster children but can be accentuated at times.Withdrawal, tantrums, acting out, striking out and other expressions are usually related to learned behaviors or learning how to process stress in a way that helped them through uncomfortable situations. Our job is to be understanding as we help nurture them through exceedingly difficult times, now and the years to come.
- Remember that being a foster parent is likely very different from raising your own children due to the foster child’s loss, trauma, guilt or neglect.
Being a foster parent is work, hard work, but so rewarding. Be prepared for a significant review process that is necessary to protect these vulnerable children. God be with you!
Dr. Saul is Professor of Pediatrics (Emeritus) at Prisma Health and his website is www.mychildrenschildren.com. Contact Dr. Bob at askdrbobsaul@gmail.com with more questions.