Dr. Bob: My young son seems to have too many temper tantrums at home. He is 3 years old so I can’t say that it’s just the “terrible twos.” How do I deal with them and get him to calm down?
Answer: In my experience of over four decades in pediatrics, this is one of the most common problems that parents face and one of the most emotionally charged problems. Parents often disagree on how to manage this problem and this can lead to significant family turmoil.
Temper tantrums are by and large a normal developmental stage. Temper tantrums in children are an example of behavior that is meant to change the behavior of the parents. The parents are the “audience” and the children expect for their parents to respond and give in to their wants/desires. Tantrums can also occur because children are so stressed, and they have not learned how to regulate their emotions. This developmental process can be challenging. People often talk about the terrible twos but in my experience tantrums at 3 and 4 years of age were equally prominent.
The first and foremost principle in dealing with temper tantrums is to be calm yourself. Yes, that’s right – it is critical that parents stay calm. When children are having behavior outbursts, a calm deliberate response will help restore order sooner. When parents engage in a similar fashion to a temper tantrum (yelling and threatening repercussions or physical harm), the situation only worsens. I am not saying that you are condoning the outburst. You are simply responding in a manner that will serve them well in the future. You offer to stay there with them until they can calm down until you can talk about the issues at hand. You are demonstrating that when things are stressful that you can be the calm influence to get through the situation.
Parents should sit quietly until the child quiets down. They can choose to leave the room but only after explaining that you are not abandoning them, only choosing to let the situation simmer down. They will be back as soon as the screaming stops. If parents are concerned about the child harming themselves or the furniture, then they need to stay in the room.
Overall, two responses are most appropriate—1) ignoring the behavior and 2) letting the tantrum run its course. Both of these require knowing what to expect and deal with it calmly so you can understand the dynamic at play and to not get caught up in the raw emotions of the moment. If the parents are defensive and always convinced that they are “right” and not aware of the “childish” behavior, they will likely get embroiled in this situation and respond in a similar manner by yelling or screaming. By knowing what to expect and how to respond to temper tantrums, parents can endure temper tantrums and watch them diminish in frequency and intensity.
Equally important is learning the ability to identify the triggers that might lead to tantrums. By identifying these triggers, parents learn how to be proactive and avoid certain situations. It is always easier to avoid a tantrum than to deal with one. It is not coddling or pampering to anticipate a difficult situation. I think that it is great parenting to do that. It is crucial that parents handle situations like temper tantrums with a calm hand while providing the care in the midst of a safe, stable nurturing relationship with their child.
Remember, stay CALM.
Dr. Saul is Professor of Pediatrics (Emeritus) at Prisma Health and his website is www.mychildrenschildren.com. Contact Dr. Bob at askdrbobsaul@gmail.com with more questions.