Dr. Bob: My two children, ages 10 and 14, are signed up for so many things – sports, music, dance, and debate. It seems that we are constantly on the go and barely have time for family meals, homework and sleep. I worry that they are overcommitted but don’t know what to do about it. They enjoy most of these things but at times look so tired. How do we prioritize and reorganize their time?
Answer: Your concerns are appropriate. Childhood and adolescence are times of learning, exploration and monitored experimentation. It is our job as parents and supportive adults to nurture them in this process. While we want to encourage activities knowing that they can broaden the experiences of our children, we also need to be cognizant of the potential negative influence of being overcommitted and overextended. Let me suggest some guidelines –
- When your child wants to engage in an activity, I think that it is important that you have a conversation with them as to their actual interest and what they hope to gain. This does not mean that it has to be life changing. You are just trying to assess their genuine interest since it requires a commitment at multiple levels.
- As parents, many sacrifices are made to arrange for the various activities. Do not hold that over the child’s head (“do you realize what I am doing for you!”) but rather let the children know the realistic changes that might be needed in terms of pick-ups, drop-offs and rearranged schedules. Everyone will need to be flexible as the family works together in the potentially complicated “dance” of extracurricular activities and family responsibilities.
- Be sure to judge the degree of engagement as the activity proceeds. For example, if they are taking music lessons but not putting in the necessary practice time, maybe music is not a priority. Don’t threaten them with stopping the activity but have a reasonable conversation about their degree of interest. Maybe they would rather be doing something else.
- Sports activities can be all-encompassing with practices, travel, overlapping sports seasons, and uniform purchases. We know that physical activities are so important for children, so we want to encourage their participation in sports that are meaningful for them. Keep a close eye on their interest and their successes and failures. Successes are exciting, and failures can teach valuable life lessons if the outcomes are kept in perspective.
- It is very important that the activities do not interfere in a meaningful way with the other essential activities of childhood and adolescence – school (and homework), peer relationships, healthy nutrition and sleep. You will need to monitor the activities and keep open communication about the essential activities. When outside activities are affecting school, nutrition and sleep, some modifications need to be considered. Again, avoid confrontation and keep your communications calm, measured and nurturing. Ultimatums tend to be rejected or ignored and set up a cycle of denial and conflicts that erode at your relationships.
- Monitor your child’s mental health to make sure that they are comfortable with all of the activities. Emphasize that change (stopping or suspending certain activities) is perfectly reasonable after a calm discussion. Overcommitment can be detrimental so it is important to keep an eye on the big picture. The tendency to do too many things is so easy in today’s society with social media drivers.
The lines of communication should always be open as you monitor your children through childhood and adolescence. Let them know that you support them and want them to thrive with their activities – within reason.
Dr. Saul is Professor of Pediatrics (Emeritus) at University of South Carolina School of Medicine-Greenville and his website is www.mychildrenschildren.com. Contact Dr. Bob at askdrbobsaul@gmail.com with more questions.