Dr. Bob: Our neighbor’s child tends to be a bully when she comes over to play with my children, ages 4 and 8. When the neighbor girl comes over to play in the backyard on our playground, she is just a mean girl, at the age of 6. My oldest daughter is a follower. When the neighbor comes over, she and my 8-year-old gang up on the 4-year-old. I want the children to play outside but not in the setting of inappropriate behavior. What is your advice?
Answer: The question is a good one! There are so many layers to my answers so let’s unpack them one at a time.
- Play and outdoor activity is so important for children. Encouraging them to play is crucial to their development, their health (both physical and mental) and their socialization. Yet that play must be in the context of acceptable behavior.
- While the tendency is to let the children play by themselves in a safe and protected backyard, if there is any question about inappropriate or bullying behavior, I would encourage you to pull up a lawn chair and make sure that their play is supervised. If you have any concerns at all, supervision is required. We do not let the children at school play by themselves during recess without supervision to try and prevent bullying behavior.
- When inappropriate behavior occurs, I would stop the activity, calmly without yelling in a non-threatening manner. I would address the problem and remind them of your expectations. Remember that this is now an occasion for discipline (turning correctable behavior into a learning experience), not punishment. Your calmness will be critical. You do not want to control behavior through fear. In the long run, that is counterproductive. You can resume the activity or take a pause.
- If the neighbor’s child was the source of the inappropriate behavior, it is perfectly ok to call them out, again in a calm and non-threatening way. If you have to excuse them to go home, it is best done by notifying her parents or caregiver. Again, this should be an exercise in discipline (a teaching experience) and not a punishment.
- Please notice that I used the term “inappropriate behavior” instead of “bad behavior.” You and I might see the behavior as bad but it important that children never see themselves as bad. By using the term bad, the child might easily feel that they are bad and inadvertently reinforce some language that other adults have used in the past.
- Hopefully the neighbor will understand your concerns about their own child’s play and seek to calmly and in a non-threatening way have a discussion with their child.
- If the neighbor does not understand your concerns or chooses to ignore them (by saying something like “my child would never do that” or “I don’t see what the problem is”), you might have to restrict access in the short term. We don’t want the neighbor’s child to be unduly punished by their parent, but your primary duty is to protect your children.
- Be sure to explain to your children why you had to take certain actions. Do not demonize the neighbor’s child but it is okay to point out the offending behaviors. I suspect that you will have to revisit this issue on a recurrent basis as they will ask why on a repeated basis.
Be calm. Protect your children. Try to explain to your neighbor your actions. Good luck!
Dr. Saul is Professor of Pediatrics (Emeritus) at Prisma Health and his website is www.mychildrenschildren.com. Contact Dr. Bob at askdrbobsaul@gmail.com with more questions.