Dr. Bob: I find parenting very stressful. I now can appreciate what my parents went through. Do you have any advice as to how to learn to relax and respond in a calm manner to issues with my children? I want to try and do better.
Answer: Parenting is tough work. Even when in a calm state, it is easy to get upset about certain things. When under stress, it is easier to get aggravated and say things one later regrets or do things that are not entirely reversible. The fact that so many parenting books have been written speaks to the problems that we all face.
One cardinal principle in parenting – a dysregulated parent cannot regulate a child. By regulation, I mean the ability to be present, attentive, attuned and responsive to the needs of the child. When a child is under stress, any stress, they are likely to engage in some behavior that parents do not like. They might be withdrawn and quiet, not listening or they might be overwrought and loud. They might be “too manageable” or not manageable. In either of these states, parents will typically demand change and expect change.
With this stress, the child is dysregulated and needs a parent or caregiver to provide a safe, stable, nurturing relationship. The parent needs to be present (engaged, not looking at the TV, not on the phone, not on the computer); they need to be attentive (looking at the child and emotionally ready to handle the issues at hand); they need to be attuned (on the emotional “wavelength” that the child requires); they need to respond as needed (not simply nodding but actively listening with empathy). These techniques can help the parent to help the child regulate (respond to the stress in a way that will help them through the stress and help build resilience in the future).
One of the easiest things to say but hard to do is to tell someone that they need to calm down and not get upset. Obviously, the parents might understand this, but multiple factors that can affect this include –
- Family circumstances
- Work circumstances
- Past parenting examples
- Emotional circumstances
When confronted with a difficult situation with a child, I recommend that parents consider a three-fold approach: Pause, assess and choose. Pause, take that deep breath and try to avoid a knee-jerk reaction. Assess the situation and calculate a measured action that is present, attentive, attuned and responsive. Choose to react in a way that communicates love and nurturing. This latter approach does not accept inappropriate behavior but deals with it in a nurturing way that allows a regulated parent to help a dysregulated child handle stress. Two books can be quite helpful (Saul R: Conscious Parenting: Using the Parental Awareness Threshold; Perry B, Winfrey O: What Happened to You: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience and Healing) as you work to find a consistent, helpful way to parent.
Do not yell at your children. Do not hit your children. Both of those techniques not only do not work in the long run but have been shown to cause harm. Fear is not an effective strategy. You might dislike a child’s behavior but never dislike your children. Do not say you hate them when you are really just upset with their behavior.
When in doubt, the answer for our children who need our help is always more love. Love helps parents get regulated, and love conveys the right messages as parents and children work together on the road to adulthood.
Dr. Saul is Professor of Pediatrics (Emeritus) at University of South Carolina School of Medicine – Greenville and his website is www.mychildrenschildren.com. Contact Dr. Bob at askdrbobsaul@gmail.com with more questions.