Your two-year-old seems to happy one minute and then starts an epic temper tantrum the next.
Your eight-year-old spills a drink in the back seat after you specifically told them to be careful.
Your fourteen-year-old comes home with a terrible report card, in your estimation.
Each of those brief scenarios above reflect daily living for families and can strain the resolve of any parent. Parenting is not an innate ability. It requires work. It requires certain guidelines, especially when the stress level is high. Parents often have their own issues (health [physical and mental], work, and strained relationships to name a few) and then have to deal with a behavioral problem in their children. These complex interactions can lead to very different reactions at any point in time – some successful and some not so successful.
In my years of experience as a pediatrician and a parent, it has become obvious to me that most parents (myself included) would like a map to guide them. I think we can all relate to the lyrics below from the Broadway musical DEAR EVAN HANSEN as two mothers discuss their parenting issues –
Does anybody have a map?
Anybody maybe happen to know how the hell to do this?
I dunno if you can tell
But this is me just pretending to know
So where’s the map?
I need a clue
‘Cause I’m flying blind
And making this up as I go.
(Anybody Have a Map? Lyrics by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul)
Well, I have a suggestion. CONSCIOUS PARENTING: USING THE PARENTAL AWARENESS THRESHOLD provides a paradigm that can be of some benefit as parents negotiate the mine field know as parenting.1 A conscious awareness of the status of the parent-child relationship and using that awareness can help parents as they guide their children.
A key concept in being aware of the parent-child relationship is being present. Being present obviously means physically present but also actively engaged. Being present recognizes that knee-jerk or dogmatic reactions are insufficient and will not serve to advance situations in a positive, constructive manner. Being present means that parents are in a constant state of growth and introspection. And being present means turning toward your child, establishing eye contact and actively listening when your child is talking. If we want our children to do the same, we need to model such behavior.
Being present then sets the stage for the Parental Awareness Threshold – the state of conscious awareness about the past, present and future interactions of a parent with their children. When we are above this hypothetical threshold (the PAT), we are open, curious and committed to learning about ourselves and our children. When we are below the PAT, we are closed, defensive, always right, and often say things like “because I said so!” or “because I’m the parent.” Those latter responses are not inherently wrong but usually can be couched in a softer approach that is more likely to have a better outcome.
Let’s use the example of the 14-year-old and their bad report card. A quick below the PAT response might be to get angry or frustrated, to yell at the child, and to quickly outline some punishment such as restricted privileges. An above the PAT response would be to calmly sit down and explore the situation and to try and understand why this occurred. The child might be defensive so the parent will need to be open and receptive during the discussion. More information might be needed, like a discussion with the teacher. A calm and measured response might still lead to some restriction of privileges, but it can be done in the context of a loving relationship (a safe, stable nurturing relationship).
The approach above outlines three major components – Pause, Assess, and Choose. I suggest that a knee-jerk reaction to the disappointing report card is not helpful so a PAUSE to take that deep breath and gather one’s thoughts is very helpful. Then you can start the process of assessment (ASSESS), carefully weighing the evidence at hand. Only then should you CHOOSE a response that seems the most appropriate at the time.
Let’s be honest. We often, in retrospect, choose the wrong response. In the heat of the moment, we choose a response that later seems too harsh or not measured enough. The pause, assess, and choose process should also involve a retrospective look at what we did. If hours or days later, we regret our decision then we should be able to alter course or even apologize if needed. Yes, parents can be wrong. If they are, their ability to recognize such and apologize if appropriate sets the right example for children and families.
For the two-year-old’s temper tantrum and the eight-year-old’s spill in the car scenarios mentioned at the beginning, the same Pause, Assess and Choose responses will serve us well. The best responses won’t always be the same and might vary significantly. But a calm measured response will exhibit the love and caring that parents should be demonstrating.
The astute reader will note that the Pause, Assess, and Choose approach is helpful for all interpersonal interactions. With a spouse, a relative, a friend, an employee, or a colleague, our ability to react to certain situations (a disappointment, an accident, or the like) with the capability of pausing, assessing and choosing a measured response can go a long way to maintaining relationships that will survive and be nurtured. How else can we be good citizens, caring for, caring about and taking care of our fellow citizens and our community?
Good citizenship is the hallmark of our democracy and a civil society. And should be the goal of parenting. Pausing, assessing and choosing correct responses will be the ticket to our success.
- Saul RA. Conscious Parenting: Using the Parental Awareness Threshold. Robert A Saul, 2020. 78 pp.