Dr. Bob: My 7-year-old son all of a sudden is terrified of school and does not want to go. His refusal has led to some meltdowns at home, and my husband and I are really frustrated with our inability to fix the problem. Any suggestions are appreciated.
Answer: This is a complex issue. Remember that your child might be unable to articulate the problem unless you are able to calmly assess the issues and handle the situation in a nurturing way. Many of the symptoms of school avoidance (headaches, stomach aches, nausea) will precede overt refusal. Let’s discuss some of the factors at play.
- School – your child might perceive some safety factor in the classroom or school. Unfortunately, fire drills are almost a thing of the past, replaced by something much more frightening – live shooter drills. I cannot imagine what goes through a child’s head when the ways to deal with this problem are discussed. Run, hide and fight instructions to avoid getting shot are pretty scary.
- Teacher – your child might have some real or perceived issue with the teacher or teachers on an acute or chronic basis. Meet with the teacher (and, if necessary, the school administration) to see what their take on the problem is.
- Toileting – some children can experience issues with using the toilet in a public place, and this problem can arise anew because of an issue that they do not want to discuss.
- School performance – the fear of poor performance or not living up to family expectations can lead to school avoidance. Sometimes learning difficulties can go unrecognized and unreported.
- Peers – your child might be having problems with peer relationships or even bullying. Friendships that have turned sour can cause a great deal of anxiety, and certainly bullying can be a major factor for children having distress at school and wanting to stay home.
- Family – family stress (illness, financial issues, divorce, etc.) can have a profound impact on children.
- School bus – the number of children riding the bus now is less than decades ago, but safety issues still persist, and bullying behavior is often present. Find out what is happening on the bus.
As you are doing your inventory of things to understand about your child and school, sit down with them and just talk. I cannot emphasize enough about the need to empathize with him, to be supportive, to be sympathetic and try to be non-judgmental. As parents, we are all too often quick to judge the situation and offer a snap analysis and action plan to correct the problem. Such an approach might signal to your child that you don’t really care and are not willing to listen. Actively explore the following –
- Child – What do they see as the problem? (Remember that they might not be able to tell you right away. They might be very emotional about it, or they might not want to upset you.) How are things with the teacher? How are things with the other students? Is anybody bothering you? How can we work on this together?
- Teacher – express your concern that your child is having problems and what do they think is happening. Is classwork going ok? Remember that you are the child’s primary advocate so speak up (politely) as needed.
Again, there is usually no quick solution. Adopt a plan (parent escort to school, temporary changes, or whatever) and stick with it. Be calm and gently persistent. Consult with your pediatrician as needed.
Dr. Saul is Professor of Pediatrics (Emeritus) at Prisma Health and his website is www.mychildrenschildren.com. Contact Dr. Bob at askdrbobsaul@gmail.com with more questions.