Dr. Bob: How can two siblings who are raised in the same home behave so differently?
Answer: This is an age-old question. How is it possible that two sibs, with the same parents and raised in the same household, behave so differently? My forty plus years of pediatrics experience has certainly demonstrated this phenomenon, and, in a way, my brother and I (four years apart) exhibit the same phenomenon.
Several things need to be considered.
- Two siblings are two different people. They are not genetically identical. Yes, they do share many genetic features but there are many genetic differences also. Even “identical twins” can have different problems (cleft palate or diabetes for example) so genetic closeness doesn’t guarantee similar behavior.
- Sibs are not raised in the identical environment. You might think that is the case but definitely not. Early childhood experiences (the first 1000 days or three years) are very important for molding many behavioral responses based on the situations that they are exposed to and the reactions of the parents during these times. These early times are indeed distinct for each child. The family might be in different homes, different economic circumstances, different family circumstances, different health situations, or even different emotional settings for each child in this early period. These different “environments” will have distinct effects that might only become manifest later in childhood or adolescence or adulthood.
- The age difference between sibs will definitely have an effect on how they are reared. Sibs that are closer in age are probably likely to share similar interests but not necessarily. And parents might or might not nurture those interests to different levels of support. One parent with sports interests might steer their children toward sports, and the other parent might encourage music or other arts. These discrepancies will certainly have their effect on the behavior of children.
- Over time, as children change and parents age, interactions vary between positive and negative at times, and these interactions will definitely affect development of one’s self-esteem and social interactions. One sib might feel better equipped to handle intra-family interactions or social interactions, and the parents might be more likely to deal with the child that is “easier to manage.” Unspoken cues that signal that one sib is more “difficult” to manage are definitely seen and understood by the children.
- The major social interactions for children occur in school. Their ability to deal with academic challenges, extracurricular activities and peer pressure in school might be handled very differently by the sibs and dealt with differently by the parents. So even though siblings are raised in the same home, their interactions in the setting of schools might be different and lead to manifestly different behaviors in school and at home.
Given the factors mentioned, it is critical to recognize that the siblings are unique and not expected to behave alike. They might be similar in their behaviors but that should not be expected. And parents, family members, neighbors and others should not judge the siblings side-by-side. We might be tempted to do that, but we do each child a disservice when we do that. We absolutely need to treat each child individually and not with our preconceived lens based on being someone’s sibling.
It is easy for parents and grandparents to have similar expectations. As your question implies, we all tend to judge siblings with the anticipation that since that they were raised together that they will act and behave alike. Let’s not fall into that trap. Siblings are each unique and deserve special attention to nurture each of them into adulthood.
Dr. Saul is Professor of Pediatrics (Emeritus) at Prisma Health and his website is www.mychildrenschildren.com. Contact Dr. Bob at askdrbobsaul@gmail.com