Dr. Bob: My 6-year-old daughter’s grades are failing. She has a difficult time with concentrating. She won’t listen to me and is very disobedient. There is no change no matter how well or how harshly I treat her as she is so stubborn. Will she grow up to be a disobedient girl and later drop out of school? I am very concerned.
Answer: Your question is very complex as so many issues are present at the same time. It is so important that you address all of these issues with your pediatrician as now is the time to start active intervention. Let me tackle some of your concerns.
- I suspect that there is far too much concern placed on grades at this age.Children can get caught up in worrying about their grades and how they compare to other children their age. Remember that the early years should be focusing on the achievement of reading, vocabulary, beginning math, and social skills. And these topics should not be restricted to school. You can certainly be working on these at home in a relaxed, tension free environment. Do not make these issues seem like work but rather fun and engaging. That might be hard given her concentration problems but please be positive. Children readily sense negativity and easily become defensive and withdraw.
- The concentration problem might be related to a learning disability, hearing problem, vision problem, or attention problem.It is so important to get the concentration issues addressed as quickly as possible with an evaluation with your pediatrician. Sometimes further evaluation with a school psychologist or a developmental/behavioral pediatrician is needed. The earlier these assessments can be done, the earlier strategies to help her can be instituted. I suspect some of her stubbornness and “disobedience” is from her difficulty with processing information and using it properly. If she needs special help, we want her to get it. We do not want to label her as dumb or stupid and please be sure that those terms are never used around the house.
- Remember to correct behavior issues with discipline, not punishment.Discipline means discussing behaviors and correcting those behaviors in a teaching manner. The root word for discipline (disciple) means to teach. So, discipline should be a loving, nurturing experience without yelling or any physical component. When we concentrate on discipline to correct issues instead of using punishment, we get a lot farther in the long run. Punishment, based on fear, might seem like the quickest way to correct a problem but the evidence is clear that it tends to lead to long term problems. Children learn from us so if they see us yelling or threatening certain things, they are more likely to use those same ineffective methods in the future. Parents need to be regulated (taking that deep breath, assessing the situation, choosing a calm approach) to provide adequate discipline. And that is always given in a loving, nurturing way. I know that is hard at times, so you will need a lot of practice.
- All parents worry about the future for their children.Her “disobedience” now is no guarantee of future problems, but it is imperative that she be assessed appropriately for learning problems, that you discuss these issues with your pediatrician, and that you remember that discipline is administered with love in a teaching environment.
You can be disappointed with certain behaviors, but you should never be disappointed with your child.
Dr. Saul is Professor of Pediatrics (Emeritus) at Prisma Health and his website is www.mychildrenschildren.com. Contact Dr. Bob at askdrbobsaul@gmail.com with more questions.