In the first article in this series, I presented the paradox that change is a constant during our parenting journey, but that constant is always changing.1 In other words, parents must acknowledge how change affects their parenting journey and recognize and negotiate how what seems the same is actually different.
I emphasized that the actions and events that occur during the parenting process will be shifting, modifying, transitioning or alternating. The constant of change will be that those shifts, modifications, transitions and alternates always make it necessary for parents to adapt (bob and weave à la Muhammed Ali) at almost every interaction.
Let’s go through a variety of examples to emphasize the scenarios that parents are confronted with and that parents find perplexing.
- When child #1 was born, everything fell into place after returning home – one of the grandparents stayed to help, neighbors brought meals, breastfeeding went smoothly, and the infant seemed satisfied and content. When child #2 was born, the same things seemed to be in place – one of the grandparents stayed to help, neighbors brought meals and breastfeeding by and large went well. Yet the infant was very fussy frequently. Her crying would upset the dog and often wake up her older brother. You tried to let her cry herself to sleep but it didn’t work. It seemed like the same circumstances were present, but things were very different.
- This is a classic example of how things can be perceived to be the same but are very different. The parents now have additional responsibilities – another child, maybe work changes, different financial situation, maybe health issues in the family. When what appeared to be the same has changed, the parents need to anticipate that, adapt to that and plot out a strategy that can modify previous responses and make them more in line with today’s reality. Add in emotional changes for the parents and the other child and now you have a family soup mix that has changed dramatically. It is time to take a step back (pause, assess and choose), use the Parental Awareness Threshold, and realize that you are in the midst of change. Embrace it and use it to your advantage.2,3
- When picking up a seven-year-old child at school one afternoon, the child steps into the car, snaps on his seatbelt and breaks out crying. You pull over, when safe, and try to ask what is wrong. He really doesn’t want to discuss it. You would describe your child as a fairly even-tempered child without dramatic flair so this outburst would appear to be out of character. In the past, when he was upset, you were able to have a nice quiet discussion with a nice exchange. That is not happening now.
- Sometimes it is difficult to understand why emotions are running high, but everything has changed in this circumstance. His emotional state has changed his ability to be regulated and engage in a discussion. Your reaction might have been too aggressive at first (“WHAT’S WRONG!?”) when a calmer approach might be been more nurturing or soothing. If he was sitting in the back seat in a booster seat, maybe you should have moved to the back seat when you stopped the car. You normally are able to discuss things with you in the front and him in the back. But now the circumstances call for a change in strategy to help your child deal with the something that is obviously very upsetting. One way of handling things in the past doesn’t always translate into the present.
- Your teenage daughter sends you a text that she will be a little late coming home from soccer practice because she just got a speeding ticket. You have every reason to judge this story to be true but there have been recent events when your daughter has been caught lying about her whereabouts or activities. You have dealt with these situations calmly but now you are angry and you fear your spouse will be very upset.
- Your approach to deal with your teenager’s behavior is obviously in a state of flux based on a variety of factors – her truthfulness, her new traffic violation, your anticipated reaction of your spouse, your own emotional reaction to her current situation and how the teenager reacts to the current state of affairs. When approaching the challenge of parenting in the teen years, you might have anticipated a specific series of responses would suffice to deal with the various issues. Well, change is afoot! Every situation requires a unique approach and an open mind. To accept those changes to your anticipated or even rehearsed reactions to the challenge of teen parenting will necessitate a set of principles to rely on with the flexibility to adapt as needed.
In the next article to follow, I will wrap up this three-part series with some tangible suggestions for dealing with change as a constant while parenting.
In the meantime, again please remember that change will occur (it is a constant) and the ability to adapt to such change is crucial to parenting and, more broadly, to all of our interactions in society. Change is only a “dirty” word if we are unprepared and refuse to accept it. The wash, rinse, repeat cycles for our hair cleansing with shampoo are analogous to converting change to a “clean” word when we pause, assess and choose reasonable responses.3 And change is worthy of being recognized and embraced to enhance our parenting and our relationships.
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/change-is-a-parenting-constant-part-i/
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/parenting-and-maps/
- Saul R. Conscious Parenting: Using the Parental Awareness Threshold. Robert Saul, 2020. 100 pp.