Parenting is a joy. Parenting is tough. Parenting is not innate in a complex society. Parenting is always in a state of flux. Parenting requires the ability to recognize and adapt to change.
But what is change? I contend that change is a parenting constant, and others might argue that that makes no sense. As a scientist and physician, a constant reflects something that does not change. A constant is immutable and can be counted on to provide the standard to measure certain things against.
So how can change, the shift and flux of actions and events, be a constant? Well, allow me some literary license. Even though the actions and events that occur during the parenting process will be shifting, modifying, transitioning or alternating, the constant will be that those shifts, modifications, transitions and alternates always make it necessary for parents to adapt (bob and weave à la Muhammed Ali) at almost every interaction.
Parents all too often think that what they did yesterday or last year or with a previous child will work the next time. Social interactions, parental reactions, child reactions, parental emotions, child emotions, and basic neuroscience tell us that every interaction occurs in a unique setting and therefore dictates the ability to change.
Let me start with the idea of neuroscience and the processing of information. In the forthcoming second edition of THINKING DEVELOPMENTALLY: NURTURING WELLNESS IN CHILDHOOD TO PROMOTE LIFELONG HEALTH and in the work of Dr. Bruce Perry, there is extensive evidence to explain how information is initially processed.1,2 The layers of the constantly maturing central nervous system (CNS) and their connections process information in a dynamic, not static, way. Dynamic processing means that any information input will not be processed that same way each time. The interactions, reactions and emotions mentioned in the previous paragraph can affect the input channels each time the same information comes into the CNS. These input channels are fairly specific with information coming in prescribed pathways to assure that our safety is not affected.
Let me give a quick hypothetical example. If I went to the doctor to follow up my chest CT scan for a chronic cough and he started to explain that I had lung cancer, I suspect that my information processing system would quickly go into shut down mode due to my emotional reaction. My lower brain processing pipeline would probably clog up, and I would be unable to listen to the rest of the conversation using my upper brain. My mind would drift from fear to fright, and even though I am a physician, I would not understand that medical explanation. The physician might be very proud of her/his succinct, compassionate explanation, but in truth, it would need to be repeated sometime when I could really hear it. When the repeat discussion occurred (with the exact same input), I could then hear and process the information with greater clarity and proceed to think through a plan going forward. The first time I heard the information, my only action was to freeze my information processing pipeline and hear no more.
The above example demonstrates the dynamic processing that we all use. The same information at different times under different circumstances will elicit different internal filtering and different responses. We do not extract information in a static fashion. Things are always changing. Change is therefore constant but this constant always changes.
Let’s extend this example to parenting. One morning as the family is getting ready for the day (tending to the infant, fixing school lunch for an older sib, one spouse telling the other what their day involved), one parent tells the school-age child what to expect for after school pickup. The child is very upset and flies into a rage. She says that the parent promised to do something else. Things do not go well from there on.
Why did the child get so upset? I suspect that she was expecting a specific thing to occur or maybe she was jealous of the attention for the infant or maybe she didn’t sleep well. Regardless, the initial information processing in the lower brain interpreted the messages from the parents as threatening to her plan and led to her having a very visceral response and being upset. She was now unregulated and unable to relate and reason during the ensuing conversation.3,4 It will take some time and energy to get the family back in sync.
Taking the same example, what if the child did not have any preconceived notions about what was going to happen after school. The identical information from the parents might have been processed in a non-threatening manner by the school-age child and things would have gone smoothly. I would note that the same information and the seemingly same circumstances (morning AM routine prior to school/work) could lead to very different outcomes. What appeared to be constant from day to day can change abruptly given the circumstances.
In the next article to follow, I will talk more about some of the myths of parenting that fail to see that each situation is unique and that each child is unique, indeed how each situation and child requires some change on our part. I will then wrap up this three-part series with some tangible suggestions for dealing with change as a constant while parenting.
In the meantime, please remember that change will occur (it is a constant) and the ability to adapt to such change is crucial to parenting and, more broadly, to all of our interactions in society. Change is only a “dirty” word if we are unprepared and refuse to accept it. The wash, rinse, repeat cycles for our hair cleansing with shampoo are analogous to converting change to a “clean” word when we pause, assess and choose reasonable responses.3 And change is worthy of being recognized and embraced to enhance our parenting and our relationships.
- Garner AS, Saul RA. Thinking Developmentally: Nurturing Wellness in Childhood to Promote Lifelong Health, Second Edition. American Academy of Pediatrics; 2025. 207 pp.
- Perry B, Winfrey O. What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing. Flatiron Books; 2021. 301 pp.
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/parental-regulation-march-21-2025/
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/legos-why-regulation/