Parenting is defined in many different ways. It is such an all-purpose term and used by so many folks in so many ways that it is difficult to be precise when discussing what parenting means.
The definition typically refers to the raising or rearing of a child or children, especially the care, love, and guidance given by a parent. Similarly, parenting or child rearing can be considered the practice of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood. Parents protect the child from harm (adverse childhood experiences) and provide the safe, stable nurturing relationships that enhance positive childhood experiences. The avoidance of harm and the promotion of love are the key elements for the parenting that raise a child to enhance development and health in the years ahead and for the next generation to come.
I am convinced that we all need advice and guidance to succeed in the role of parent in today’s society. Let’s break it down into three main areas for discussion here—instruction, engagement and involvement.1
- Accepting Instruction
- Aspects of care – There are multiple parenting books that address many of the issues that are considered in the definitions above. Nutrition, infant care, health care, discipline, behavior, safety, and education are all critical aspects of advice that first-time parents often seek. They wish to know what their expectations should be, what changes will occur, and how they should negotiate all of these matters.
- Nutrition tends to focus on the merits of breastfeeding as the ultimate initial source of nutrition and its ongoing and lifelong effects for the benefit of a children and even the mother.
- Optimal nutrition is critical to early development as a biological need but does not guarantee excellent parenting.
- Infant care (nurturing through safe, stable relationships) is another critical component to parenting and books promoting such are everywhere.
- Health care leading to excellent medical care is intended to maximize the physical and emotional well-being of our children.While so important, health care alone will not guarantee solid parenting.
- Education (parental and social and organized) is critical at so many levels.How parents, social influences and teachers use their impact to provide the necessary education and necessary exposure to the spoken and written word can help determine a substantial amount of the background for healthy growth.
- Goal-driven behaviors for instruction
- An analysis of parenting such as above looks at specific components, not goals.I would argue that keeping the goals in mind provides a more focused approach. Goal-driven behaviors in parenting lead to specific actions and are worthy of discussion.
- Parenting to raise citizens
- Previously, I advanced a paradigm that considers parenting as an exercise in raising citizens, people that take care of each other.2 In the book MY CHILDREN’S CHILDREN: RAISING YOUNG CITIZENS IN THE AGE OF COLUMBINE, the Five Steps to Community Improvement discussed are inherently the same steps to raise our children as citizens – 1) Learn to be the best parent you can be; 2) Get involved; 3) Stay involved; 4) Love for others; 5) Forgiveness
- We need a village
- Parenting is not an innate ability in today’s society.It requires instruction, support, work and a “village.” Parents must be willing to accept the humility of nurturing their children with the help of family, friends, professionals and fellow citizens. That is what we mean by a village—all of these groups assisting with help as need it.
- Active Engagement
- Active process – Since parenting is not a passive experience, active engagement by parents is essential. Parenting should be a give-and-take exercise. For infants and younger children, parenting is described as a serve-and-return interaction—parents provide a stimulus, children return with a response, and the cycle continues to its logical conclusion.3 Children can also provide the initial stimulus and parents return the stimulus with an engaged response. The science is now clear that early brain wiring or circuitry is vitally dependent on the continuous stream of input or information that occurs with early parent-child serve-and-return exchanges. Positive exchanges lead to healthy wiring and brain connections, and negative exchanges can hamper the wiring and connections.
- Safe, stable and nurturing relationships – Safe, stable and nurturing relationships (SSNRs) are the key to childhood wellness and eventually adult wellness. SSNRs provide the basic framework that allow parents and children to react to stress in positive ways so that children will grow into healthy adults and parents also. Healthy adults (nurtured with SSNRs in childhood) will have fewer physical problems and are far more likely to succeed in raising healthy children that understand their responsibilities as citizens—to encourage and support all of their fellow citizens.
- Continued Involvement
- Forms – The active engagement of parenting is at two levels—getting involved and staying involved. It is mandatory for parents to get involved at so many levels. Direct involvement with their children, while intuitive or “second-nature,” is often lacking in a sustained way. Involvement can then spread to include their spouse or significant family support. After that, involvement extends far beyond the reaches of the residence—to their schools, to their faith-based organization, and to their community. Getting involved in these spheres allows for their social growth and social investment.
- Social capital – Social capital is a potent community tonic that it tends to enhance resolution of community problemsit can activate community resources for improvement; it can make us all aware of how closely linked we all are; and it serves to improve our lives through action and interaction at so many levels.4
- 12 powerful words – “I am the problem; I am the solution; I am the resource.”5 Those are 12 pretty simple words, but the message is a powerful one. “I am the problem” refers to taking personal ownership in the issues in my community and acknowledging that all problems are issues for my attention. “I am the solution” refers to working with my fellow citizens. “I am the resource” refers to the willingness to devote my continuing energies to the community. We could just as easily substitute the “we” in the sentence—We are the problem, we are the solution, we are the resource.
- Aspects of care – There are multiple parenting books that address many of the issues that are considered in the definitions above. Nutrition, infant care, health care, discipline, behavior, safety, and education are all critical aspects of advice that first-time parents often seek. They wish to know what their expectations should be, what changes will occur, and how they should negotiate all of these matters.
So, instruction, engagement, and involvement are mandatory elements of the process that is parenting beyond the basic nurturing of our children. We all should accept instruction, actively be engaged, and committed to continued involvement. This is a joint venture to be viewed as a glorious challenge with wondrous outcomes possible. Into my eighth decade of life, I embrace it wholeheartedly.
- Saul R. Conscious Parenting: Using the Parental Awareness Threshold. Robert A. Saul; 2020. 100 pp.
- Saul R. My Children’s Children: Raising Young Citizens in the Age of Columbine. CreateSpace; 2013. 225 pp.
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/catch/
- Putnam R. Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community. Simon and Schuster; 2000. 541 pp.
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/my-childrens-children-name/