The dictionary defines parenting as “the raising of a child by its parents.” While none of us will dispute that technical definition, I think all of us know that parenting means so much more than “raising” a child in today’s volatile, challenging, often threatening society. Engaged in pediatrics since 1976, I have seen parents who seem to be doing well, and I’ve seen parents who need quite a bit of help.
The demands of making a living and raising a family in such a mobile and increasingly technology-dependent society can create multiple problems for any parent. And some parents start the process with added problems – poverty, racism, health burdens and more. These stresses can compound their difficulties in both trying to be a parent and taking care of one’s self. We should never assume that parents don’t need help “navigating the maze” that we call parenthood. Being a parent and now a grandparent myself has emphasized that to me. We all need help and should never be embarrassed to ask.
Early years
The critical period when it comes to parenting is from a child’s birth to three years of age. During this period, critical development occurs in our senses, in our self-image, in our conscience, in our relationships, and in our self-worth. You might think that some of these things occur more during our school years, but there is overwhelming evidence to show that the early years are the essential ones for the development of children and their future education and well-being. So, our ability to properly nurture and parent our children in these early years is a critical determinant of our children’s future. The safe, stable nurturing relationships (SSNRs) that we establish and develop are so important at this stage and beyond.
Being there
I read an article about a popular football player who, when asked about his children, admitted that he was not spending much time with his children. He said that he could fix that later, and I suspect his expectation might be that he will be able to lavish them with material things as they get older. Unfortunately, he doesn’t get it. Parents need to be with their children during these early years, and it is they who must provide the proper emotional support. His wealth will not “buy” his ability to be a good parent later. What a shame that too many people do not understand this early commitment to their children.
Some attributes
Let me offer some attributes (there are many more)1 that I think are critical to parenting:
- Patience – parents must be patient with their children. We must recognize that childhood and adolescence are times when children learn what behaviors work and what behaviors don’t work. Many mistakes will be made along the way. Patience allows us to calmly review the situation and to make decisions that make sense, not just now but in the future. Besides, patience is an excellent trait for children to emulate.
- Humility – Humility is the perfect “platform” for interaction with our fellow citizens. Our children need to learn this from us.
- Persistence – children are constantly testing the limits of their parents’ tolerance. As parents, we must persist and never give up. Parents can never give up, but sometimes parents need a lot of help with this persistence. Our faith, our families, our healthcare providers, our educators and our community can assist substantially.
- Love – this value is the cornerstone of parenting. Making babies is one thing, but loving and nurturing babies is something different. Our love for our children should be unconditional. While we might get angry with our children and disapprove of their behavior, we never stop loving them. We might “hate” (let’s say dislike) their behavior, but we never hate them. The compassion and understanding that are a part of love help provide the ongoing support for children and adolescents as they go through the difficult task of growing into adulthood.
Always be learning
I’m continually amazed at how difficult it is to be a good parent. In our free country, sometimes it seems parents are too “free” to be bad parents. I’m not proposing a socialized system of parenting. I am suggesting that parenting is a skill that needs constant nurturing, individually and socially. I think we should never be satisfied with the status quo with parenting, but always looking at ways to improve ourselves and get the word out in our community.
Trauma-informed care
We now know that so many factors in childhood that are manifest by different behaviors can be tied to a variety of easily identified (and some not so easily identified) traumatic events in early childhood. 2,3,4, Instead of confronting behaviors (“what is wrong with you”), we should be dealing with behaviors that are more likely than not a result of some early trauma and need healing (“what happened to you”). Less than desirable behaviors can be dealt with by trauma-informed care – care that analyzes past issues, care that analyzes past circumstances, and care that looks to heal broken relationships. Re-establishing trusted, nurturing relationships is the path forward, but it certainly is not easy. It takes a dedicated team of people.
Social determinants of health
As I alluded to above, many parents come into parenting with significant challenges. Social determinants of health are numerous (poverty, racism, poor housing, lack of transportation, and so many others) and can have a drastic effect on effective parenting and effective family life.5 A society that blames people for these circumstances instead of looking at ways to lift them up and seek healing and resilience for these children and families will continue to struggle.
Relational health
As Dr. Andy Garner emphasizes, in one of my recent blog posts, that “the capacity to develop and sustain safe, stable nurturing relationships is ‘relational health.’” He further notes that “by meeting our basic needs (to feel safe, understood and valued), relational health turns off our body’s stress response and limits the long-term…consequences of significant adversity. Relational health is also the platform for learning the skills to cope with future adversity.”6
The common good
We have to treat all children as we would our own. We too often lose sight of this in our polarized, us-vs.-them society. In the latter world, we have lost our humanity. With the former approach, we can make a difference and serve a greater purpose.
Parenting is a journey, one that really never ends. Some might consider that “the bad news” but I consider it “the good news.” That means we are always cognizant of our purpose, to help others, and raise our children to be citizens that care about each other. That is the society I want to see for our children.
- Saul RA. Conscious Parenting: Using the Parental Awareness Threshold. Köehlerbooks, 2020. 78 pp.
- Garner AS, Saul RA. Thinking Developmentally: Nurturing Wellness in Childhood to Promote Lifelong Health. American Academy of Pediatrics, 2018. 175 pp.
- Forkey HC, Griffin JL, Szilagyi M. Childhood Trauma and Resilience: A Practical Guide. American Academy of Pediatrics, 2021. 224 pp.
- Perry BD, Winfrey O. What Happened to You? Conversation on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing. Flatiron Books, 2021. 298 pp.
- Brennan Ramirez LK, Baker EA. Metzler M. Promoting Health Equity: A Resource to Help Communities Address Social Determinants of Health(PDF). United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention 2008.
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/adversity-resilience-and-flourishing-oh-my/