Author Dr. Robert Saul

Raising Young Citizens in the Age of Columbine

Inside/Outside

By

The concept of inside or outside seems so simple but can be striking.  We can talk about this dichotomy in physical terms, medical terms, mental terms and even metaphorical terms.  All of them can be quite striking in their impact in our daily lives.

While reading Anna Quidlen’s latest novel (More Than Enough), I was struck by multiple references to this issue of being inside or outside and how it impacts our daily lives.1  It definitely impacts us, and it is worthy of discussion on multiple levels. And the topic of inside or outside is particularly pertinent to children.

  • One passage in the book reflects on what is happening outside an apartment and inside an apartment. The character in question looks outside and considers the outside as a separate world from the cloistered interior of the apartment.  The implication is that they are two separate spheres but that is an artificial distinction.
    • What is happening on the outside of our immediate lives (the outdoors) cannot be separated from what is happening in our close proximity (the indoors). Any attempt to ignore the admixture of the inside and the outside fails to recognize the importance of understanding of how different parts of our lives are really interconnected and deserve our attention.
    • The same holds true to those around us. We need to understand that they might consider the two environments to be separate or they might consider them together when we consider them to be separate. What we can separate or unite might not be what others do for themselves.
  • Another passage mentions how we often view our bodies. In our early years, we are more likely to consider the exterior of our bodies as the focus of our attention.  We worry about our hair, our facial appearance, our skin, and our body habitus in the second decade of life to the exclusion of our internal organs.  As we age, we are more likely to concentrate on what’s inside (heart, lungs, kidneys, livers, reproductive organs) with less focus on our exterior.  While this progression is natural and understandable, it is curious to note the shift from concentrating on the outside to the what’s on the inside.  While it represents maturation, it also represents a deeper understanding of what matters – the inside more than the outside.
  • Let me extend my inside/outside comparison to mental health issues. We never really know what is going on in the minds of others, yet we think we do, based on their spoken words and unspoken behavior.  We analyze and judge people on their words, deeds, facial expression and general demeanor.  But do we really know what is going on inside?  All too often we hear stories or experience tragedy due to mental illness and quietly state “I didn’t know that was what they were feeling.”  Our judgment clouds our ability to be there for them and allow them to seek solace from us.
  • The terms “insider” and “outsider” refers to the people in or out of a circle of friends or activity. One might argue that these terms are not disparaging or disapproving but I think that they convey specific intent to stratify into groups.  These groups might be as benign as Sunday School classes or as potentially malignant as a means to sort us and those around us into castes or those not worthy of our company.  Social groups are the norm and completely acceptable (how else would we communicate as social beings) but they also can have a toxic influence and create artificial divisions that erode public trust.  We should be mindful of the insider/outsider distinction since we are really all insiders as members of humanity.
  • In the forthcoming book (What Really Matters: Find Meaning Amid Upheaval; publication date in August 2026), Michael Cogdill and I address the concept of inner and outer diversity. When one considers the murders at the Mother Emanuel church in 2015, it seems obvious that the convicted murderer operated on the external appearances of the parishioners (his bias of their race) and his perception of their subhuman status.  His sense of those people was rooted in his deep misbelief that their outer diversity represented their inner being.  Their inner diversity was unrecognizable in his eyes and tragedy ensued.  Employing our better angels and heeding the advice of Abraham Lincoln (“We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection.”), we should use our humility and sincerity to accept our common bonds.2  Our inner diversity (our humanity only spiced up by our individuality) should never be judged by our outer differences which are really only superficial.  Diversity is a strength, not a weakness, when we live with integrity. 

How does the above discussion pertain to children?  We want our children to be sustained by safe, stable nurturing relationships (SSNRs).3  That only happens when the adults help the children merge the inside and outside of their lives into a nourishing mix; when the adults recognize the physical outside-centric view of children to help them cope with that stage in life; when the adults are ever vigilant of their mental health; when the adults help remove any potential toxicity of being an insider or an outsider; and when the adults use our diversity as a strength, not a wedge between us.

It is too easy to see something as purely inside or outside when often it is really just an artificial designation. We should avoid this trap and try to help all feel welcome and included.  That is how we nurture our children and each other.

 

  1. Quidlen A. More Than Enough. Random House; 2026. 240 pp.
  2. https://mychildrenschildren.com/our-better-angels/
  3. https://mychildrenschildren.com/ssnrs-and-mr-rogers/