More alike than different

Our current tribalism is worrisome. Our political climate reveals severe splits. The schism is striking. The margins of truth have been blurred as groups have argued their positions. Misinformation (spreading untrue information) and disinformation (purposefully spreading untrue information) has become an acceptable practice. One recent candidate admitted that he made up a grotesque lie targeting a vulnerable group of people just to score his political points. When this happens, the folks that should be uniting us are purposely dividing us.

Are we really as divided as it seems? My answer to this question is yes and no. The fact that bad information is viewed as acceptable when trying to advance a specific agenda speaks to a perverted sense of fairness. And when that perverted sense of fairness is further used to drive a stake in attempts to promote unity, we become more divided. “I’m right and you’re wrong.” “My faith is right and yours is wrong” – and sometimes this digresses to “I love God and you are going to hell.” “I’m more patriotic than you are” – and this can devolve to “you are a traitor.” When we engage in this type of behavior, we have lost the trademark civil discourse of a democratic society and make ourselves vulnerable to spreading chaos, hate and even violence. Yet we can shake these shackles moving forward if we choose to do that.

If one thing as a physician for close to 50 years has taught me is that we so much more alike than different. All babies look alike when they are born – they cry, they are wet from the birth canal, their heart rates are fast, they breathe fast. They need attention, warming, feeding, and bathing. They don’t arrive with labels (though unfortunately skin color does put some at risk for future health and social problems).

When I provided care, I did not know what their political affiliation was or even that of their parents. And even if I did know the political preference of their parents, it made no difference in my care. I knew that the heart, lungs, liver and other organs in the babies did not have any specific affiliations. Those infants were now under my care to encourage the parents in their nurturing journey and help provide guidance going forward. Their brains and central nervous systems were ripe for the safe, stable nurturing relationships (SSNRs) that we as parents and as fellow citizens should be committed to providing in the days and years to come.¹

Seventeenth century philosopher John Locke suggested that the mind of a baby was a blank slate and molded by the experiences to come. While not completely correct (the prenatal environment does affect the developing fetus), the concept does provide some context for our work to come. As parents and citizens, our job is to provide for the basic needs (shelter, food, warmth) and the nurturing environment (love, comfort, consistency) as we add education and other more complex essentials in the years ahead.

The children are not born to hate. They are not born to recognize different humans as fundamentally different or to be avoided or discriminated against. Adults have created these divisions and accentuated them to our collective detriment. Children do not know that they are born into a caste.^2-4They do not know the history of the adults often teaching them a false narrative.⁵ They do not know the gaps that adults purposely leave out in our collective memories.⁶

The artificial divisions that we create (states, counties, cities, political parties, religious faiths, sports fan bases, and on and on) can serve to help us grow local networks and provide community support that is so important to building social capital.⁷ These aggregates are critical to daily living and future progress. Yet when we let those networks and social ties become weaponized to demonize, demean and belittle others, we have lost our way. When we think our group is better than theirs, we are feeding off the false narrative that we are fundamentally more human than they are.

Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson and Dr. Dipesh Navsaria

Let me use two examples to emphasize growth and the positive way forward.

Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson’s recent memoir recounts an incident when she was 8 years old.^8(p.58) She saw a sign in her grandmother’s sink (“Brok sink – Wate for repare”). She laughed and went to tell her mother and ask how anyone could not know how to spell those words. It turns out that the note was written by her grandmother to warn family members not to use the sink until a repairman came. In a stern rebuke, Ketanji’s mother noted, “Now, you listen to me carefully Ketanji…don’t you ever laugh at someone who doesn’t know how to spell or read as well as you do! Just because you have been blessed with parents who are teachers…doesn’t make you one bit better than someone who didn’t have the same opportunities.”⁷ Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson therefore learned at an early age that some artificial divisions (educational attainment and literacy) do not erase our unique commonality as humans and that these divisions can be used as a wedge to divide us by certain folks in a dispirited way.
An esteemed colleague recently wrote an opinion piece about the joy factor versus doom and gloom in today’s climate, using some lessons from the world of pediatrics.⁹ Dipesh Navsaria writes, “Over recent decades, we’ve come to articulate challenges to the development of young brains and also solutions to those same challenges. Childhood adversity, through the mechanism of toxic stress, can negatively affect one’s entire life course in measurable ways; but at the same time, we’ve found that positive experiences, mediated through safe, stable nurturing relationships are powerfully protective. That protection allows a child who experiences both adversity and positive experiences to do better than a child who has a completely neutral early childhood experience. This is objectively measurable on the individual, organ system, and even molecular levels. Supporting conditions for good relational health — the health of relationships — is arguably one of the best investments we can make as individuals, as families, as communities, and as a society.” He further adds, “What then does this have to do with the throes of an election campaign? After all, children can’t vote. I would argue that perhaps, for a moment, we should step away from a cold, rational analysis of political tactics and gamesmanship and perhaps take a page from the above. Has ‘joy’ resonated because, as human beings, we have a biological imperative to hear positive, success-fostering messages?…in the end we may very well be looking for connection with others, a bond over believing that positive change can occur. I wonder if this mood shift we’ve witnessed is really about seeking safe, stable relationships with each other…we shouldn’t discount how much basic human needs and connections matter. What science tells us is right for early childhood might just be right for all of us in repairing our human discourse with each other, adults and all [and that] perhaps, ‘joy’ is actually an evidence-based strategy that gets at what we really need.”

Simply stated, what divides us often is fear and ultimately hate. Fear is not an innately bad trait to avoid danger, but when used as a cudgel, we are hurting rather than helping each other. What unites us is love, joy and hope. These latter traits serve to provide proof that we are more alike than different. Ketanji Brown Jackson’s mother reminded her not to set herself above others. Dr. Navsaria reminds us about the power of joy. Living with artificial differences can be healthy so long we understand our commonality and embrace our humanity.

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