As a child, I was always fascinated with maps. We made quite a few trips across the Midwest, and I was the self-appointed family navigator with the proper maps in hand. In the early days (1950s-60s), maps were helpful to determine where the interstate highways were completed and what cities might be good sites for roadside motels. I could guide my mother through urban areas as I got even more sophisticated in my map reading skills. And I think the ultimate skill that I learned that is now undervalued was the ability to fold a map back into its original configuration. I fear that it is a lost skill!
I haven’t used a map in a long time. GPS (global positioning system technology) devices seem to have replaced maps when it comes from getting from one place to another. It’s so simple—we enter our destination into the device and just follow the directions! It even lets us detour around significant traffic jams to minimize our travel time. Often times we don’t even know the roads or highways that we traveled on. We just followed the instructions.
This is so incredibly easy, and one is tempted to follow the same type of example for parenting—there must be some app to help us raise our children and arrive in adulthood uneventfully. Well, we all know that nothing could be farther from the truth. We need help and directions, a lot of both. Parenting is not an innate process to raise one’s children to be capable adults. Conceiving children does not properly prepare us for the nurturing, physical and emotional, needed to raise healthy children.
So, when we need help where do we turn? Do we use a map to get around or use a GPS device? Is parenting tough and require work and some skills or is it easy and a recorded voice will be able to tell us how to do it?
The lyrics from the song “Does Anybody Have a Map?” from the musical DEAR EVAN HANSEN is quite pertinent to our discussion here –
“Does anybody have a map?
Anybody maybe happen to know how the hell to do this?
I dunno if you can tell
But this is me just pretending to know
So where’s the map?
I need a clue
‘Cause I’m flying blind
And making this up as I go.”
The mothers who sing this duet realize daily that parenting is not an innate ability, and parents need constant assistance from family, friends and professionals. In many ways we do fly blind through this process.
Maps have very detailed views of how to get from point A to point B. There are different routes to get to our destination, and a person needs to study those and then pick the best route possible. But then sometimes the map is not up-to-date or there are accidents along the way. Then we need to relook at the map to pick an alternate route or even pick a city to pull off in for a break from the drive.
The map analogy aptly describes parenting – trying to nurture and love our children; recognizing that there are different techniques at times; studying those techniques; picking the “best” methods; finding out that the methods might have variable success; watching out for necessary changes; instituting those changes; and taking a break when needed.
The map for parenting can also be vague at times so parents have to have the willingness to learn from each day and from each interaction to love and relate in meaningful ways with our children. When the map is clear, our steps can be clear but when there are bumps in the road, we need to constantly reassess what steps to adjust or even change our course. And often our map is not easily folded back into its original form!
I like to think about three steps that can be crucial for effective parenting—1) PAUSE and reflect as needed when things can be improved; 2) ASSESS the situation and see if a different response is needed; and 3) CHOOSE the most effective plan after appropriate reflection.1 And these steps absolutely need to be accomplished in the context of a safe, stable nurturing relationship. Parenting outside of the context of a safe, stable nurturing relationship is ineffective parenting and counterproductive. It is not using the “map” effectively that the pause, assess and choose paradigm can accomplish.
These steps are not easy. By providing a safe, stable nurturing relationship, we are on the right path and using the map effectively. There is no effective GPS device to get us through this maze called parenting. Every day is different with its unique challenges.