Parenting is tough work. Books, family members, professionals and mentors can be of some assistance. But since it takes a village to raise a child, it is crucial that the process of trying to learn parenting becomes a communal, humbling, learning experience with a tenacity of effort that serves the children. The learning is never done and always taxing but so rewarding. The end product is never determined, and we can plan ups and downs along the way. We can always improve and always seek to be steady in our responses to different challenges.
Stress is a common factor in our parenting journey. Even when in a calm state, it can be easy to get upset about certain things. When under stress, it is even easier to get aggravated and say things one later regrets or do things that are not entirely reversible. The fact that so many parenting books have been written speaks to the problems that we all face. How do we keep our cool, stay calm and parent on, when stress abounds? Regulation is the key.
One cardinal principle in parenting – a dysregulated parent cannot regulate a child. By regulation, I mean the ability to be present, attentive, attuned and responsive to the needs of the child.1 When a child is under stress, any stress, they are likely to engage in some behavior that parents might not like. They might be withdrawn and quiet, not listening or they might be overwrought and loud. They might be “too manageable” or not manageable. In either of these states, parents will typically demand change and expect change.
With this stress, the child is dysregulated and needs a parent or caregiver to provide a safe, stable, nurturing relationship. The parent needs to be present (engaged, not looking at the TV, not on the phone, not on the computer); they need to be attentive (looking at the child and emotionally ready to handle the issues at hand); they need to be attuned (on the emotional “wavelength” that the child requires); they need to respond as needed (not simply nodding but actively listening with empathy). These techniques can help the parent to help the child regulate, respond to the stress in a way that will help them through the stress and help build resilience in the future. These techniques guide us to providing the safe, stable nurturing relationships (SSNRs) that the hallmark of parenting goals.2
One of the easiest things to say but hard to do is to tell someone that they need to calm down and not get upset. Obviously, the parents might understand this, but multiple factors that can affect this include –
- Family circumstances – there might be health issues or marital issues that affect the ability of parents to be at their best
- Work circumstances – the need to work and still provide a stable family environment can be quite challenging at times
- Past parenting examples – generational examples (parental responses based on what one’s parents did) often guide our actions yet these examples can be off-base in terms of what we really should be doing
- Emotional circumstances – when we are actively parenting and dealing with stress, there is often an emotional overlay that affects our ability to process what is going on and how to respond
When confronted with a difficult situation with a child, I recommend that parents consider a three-step approach: Pause, assess and choose.3 This three-step process can give us the time and energy to revise our responses and actions.
- Pause, take that deep breath and try to avoid a knee-jerk reaction. Pauses can be quite difficult but so necessary.
- Assess the situation and calculate a measured action that is present, attentive, attuned and responsive. The ability to be present, attentive, attuned and responsive can be quite difficult but so important and reminds us that our actions matter.
- Choose to react in a way that communicates love and nurturing. This latter approach does not accept inappropriate behavior but deals with it in a nurturing way that allows a regulated parent to help a dysregulated child handle stress. Two books can be quite helpful as you work to find a consistent, helpful way to parent.1,3
A dysregulated adult more often than not has a problem controlling their emotions during their child’s behavioral challenges. Let’s be clear about several things – do not yell at your children; do not hit your children. Both of those techniques might provide some short-term cessation of certain behaviors, but they not only do not work in the long run but have been shown to cause harm. Fear is not an effective strategy. Children will withdraw or be overly reactive and neither of those responses are healthy. You might dislike a child’s behavior but never dislike your children. Do not say you hate them when you are really just upset with their behavior.4
When in doubt, the answer for our children who need our help is always more love. Love helps parents get regulated, and love conveys the right messages as parents and children work together on the road to adulthood. Love helps us be present, attentive, attuned and responsive to the needs of our children. Love helps us sustain the SSNRs that are critical to the flourishing of our children. Love can calm our emotions and aid our regulation. Since our regulation is essential to our ability to regulate our children, “stay calm and parent on.”
- Perry B, Winfrey O. What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience and Healing. Flatiron Books; 2021. 304 pp.
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/ssnrs-and-mr-rogers/
- Saul R. Conscious Parenting: Using the Parental Awareness Threshold. Robert Saul; 2020. 100 pp.
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/the-toxicity-of-hate/