Author Dr. Robert Saul

Raising Young Citizens in the Age of Columbine

Spoiled or Nurtured?

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One of the joys of retirement for me are my morning walks.  I get exercise, I view nature up close, I listen to books, and I get to talk with neighbors during brief stops.  On the day of this writing, I stopped to talk with a neighbor and shared that we were leaving to visit with our granddaughter the next day.  I happened to be the pediatrician for this family with their two children. The conversation strayed into the realm of children influencing their parents and getting what they wanted.  The term “spoiled” was used to describe when parents give in to their child’s desires.  I took exception to the term since I know how exceptional her grown child is now – an engaged, loving parent and, most importantly, an empathetic citizen. She has not transferred the relatively normal selfishness of childhood (a normal developmental process) into her adulthood.

This discussion prompted me to consider multiple things about the nurturing process.  We now know that critical to child development is the existence of safe, stable nurturing relationships (SSNRs) in the lives of children.  Too many children facing childhood trauma (exposure to violence [physical, verbal, and/or emotional], neglect and household challenges) lack sustained SSNRs that can be the antidote to subsequent physical and emotional/behavioral issues in the teen years and adulthood.

So, to say that parents or other caregivers are spoiling children when they are nurturing children is to ignore basic needs and conflate some behaviors as being spoiled.  Let’s review some basic needs.

  • Abraham Maslow back in the 1950s postulated a series of needs into deficiency needs and growth needs1 (pages 71,72)
    • Deficiency needs –
      • Physiologic – food, water, sleep
      • The need to feel safe
      • The need to feel understood and connected to others (love and belonging)
      • The need to feel competent and to maintain one’s self esteem
    • Growth needs –
      • Self-actualization (being true to oneself)
        • Utilizing one’s capabilities
        • Fulfilling one’s potential
      • Transcendence (moving beyond oneself – into citizenship)
        • Altruism
        • Spirituality

When one considers the above needs, attempts to fulfill those needs by parents in no way, shape, or form would (or should) be considered spoiling a child.  In my years as a pediatrician, I all too often saw parents comment on how “spoiled” their infant when they cried and wanted to be held.  I took gentle exception to their misguided observations, trying to emphasize the importance of early nurturing fulfilling their basic needs as SSNRs are cemented into the parent-child dyad.  Those early bonds are crucial to the development of our children.  Those early bonds are crucial to proper brain development and to the proper connections in the nervous system.  We cannot underestimate their value as we continually review and revise our parental responses going forward.2

It is helpful to add a further dimension to the growth needs elucidated above. Mark Bartel, a clinical chaplain, augmented the concept of self-actualization and transcendence from Maslow with five additional needs – 1 (pages 78, 79)

  • Love – Community, connection
  • Faith – Worldview
  • Hope – Vision
  • Virtue – Ethics
  • Beauty – Renewal

When we “merge” the two lists, we see Maslow’s needs as protecting the developing child by minimizing adversity and Bartel’s needs as building the skills for the life ahead to handle adversity that is inevitable, as building the scaffolding of resilience, and as providing the tools for flourishing in the years ahead.

In our quest to have healthy children (physically, behaviorally and emotionally), it is imperative that we use the tools at hand to analyze our parental responses and compare them to the developmental stages of our children.2 A conscious awareness of the status of the parent-child relationship should guide us in our journey to optimize nurturing of our children – “conscious awareness is the learned ability of parents to understand their interactions with their children and to alter their responses to maximize positive responses and to minimize negative responses.” 2 (page 22) This awareness, in my mind, is the fabric of parenting and the basis for nurturing our children to be the citizens of tomorrow.

My examples above discuss the nurturing of our children through safe, stable nurturing relationships. Accomplishing said goal is definitely not easy and requires ongoing attention. In my estimation, our best approximation to this goal can at times be described as “good enough” parenting.1 (pages 82,83) That term sounds like an acceptance of inadequate parenting.  Quite the contrary, all parents have different abilities and circumstances (such as education, socio-economic barriers, racism, health barriers and more).  Our job as their fellow citizens is to lift them up (as we raise the floor for all) and enable them to reach their full potential as parents seeking to fulfill the needs of their children.

I have avoided, in the discussion above defining what a spoiled child is.  I have emphasized the components and rewards of nurturing instead.  It is possible to spoil a child with overindulgence of material goods or inappropriate responses to certain behaviors.  Such parental actions can accentuate the normal selfishness of childhood. A review of Maslow’s and Bartel’s needs above should demonstrate the normal developmental process that children go through. Being safe, understood, connected, and worthy of self-esteem will all lead to some degree of selfishness in the normal developmental processes of childhood.  It is the role of parents using conscious parenting to help modulate this selfishness to the next level as their children mature. When that selfishness persists into adulthood, it is unhealthy and leads to selfish, self-centered behavior that does not contribute to the well-being of others. When that selfishness is modulated and changed into genuine empathy through adolescence and adulthood, our nurturing (through our SSNRs) is well on the way to successful citizenship – caring for and caring about others.

Let me get back to my original question – spoiled or nurtured?  I think it is far too easy to blame normal childish behavior as the actions of a spoiled child.  I fear that accepting and espousing such views undervalues the importance of nurturing at so many levels.  The needs of Maslow and Bartel express well the importance of our parental roles in raising our children to have their needs realized. Momentary setbacks referred to as representing a spoiled child should be tempered with a view to the future.  The child might not be spoiled at all.

It is incumbent on all of us to make a difference. Unfortunately, some children referred to as spoiled are actually the product of incomplete nurturing. I would rather tip the scales toward nurturing instead of just referring to childish behavior as spoiled.  Providing for the needs of children leads to children that are healthy, families that are secure in their SSNRs and communities that can thrive and provide for all.

  1. Garner A, Saul R: Thinking Developmentally: Nurturing Wellness in Childhood to Promote Lifelong Health. American Academy of Pediatrics, 2018. 175 pp.
  2. Saul R. Conscious Parenting: Using the Parental Awareness Threshold. Robert Saul, 2020. 78 pp.