Reflection. The aging process has led to increased time to reflect on the past. What did I do right and what could I have improved on? What did my parents do right and what could have been done better?
Looking back, I have to note that I lived a life of privilege compared to so many of the families that I cared for over my career. The reflections that follow below are not complaints or bravado. Rather they are observations of life and by making these observations, they can be of some benefit for others.
Often during my career, parents and adult patients would ask – “What would you do, doc?” It was totally inappropriate for me to answer that question because I was not in their shoes at that moment in time. So, my task was to help identify the issues at hand, looking all angles and provide a sound basis for them to consider their next steps.
Parents often try to judge their success at parenting by various measures – performance (in music, arts, sports, or social activities), educational achievement (grades and class advancement) or behavior (courtesy, interaction with sibs and parents, peer relationships, empathy and the like). I fell short in some of those spheres. While I would like to think that my behavior was by and large good, I have to be honest and admit that less than ideal behavior was often exhibited toward my mother. Yet she almost always projected a smile.1
As I consider my mother’s ability to manage my ups and downs of childhood and adolescence, I harken back to two songs from the Broadway musical DEAR EVAN HANSEN. As a single parent, she struggled mightily at times yet never backed away from being involved and engaged. Providing a safe, stable, nurturing relationship was the hallmark of her parenting journey.2
- The opening number, Anybody Have a Map?, is a lament by two mothers who are grappling with the task of parenting. They ask – “Does anybody have a map?/Anybody maybe happen to know how the hell to do this?/I don’t know if you can tell/But this is me just pretending to know/(…) I’m flying blind and I’m making this up as I go”
- I am sure that my mother would echo the lyrics above, but she was determined to do her best. And her best was good enough. Good enough parenting emphasizes that we are all human and fallible.3 Mistakes will be made but patience, sincerity and humility as components of relational health that will serve all of us well on our parenting journeys.4
- The second to last number, So Big, So Small, is sung by Evan’s mother as she reviews her divorce from Evan’s father and her tough road ahead. She notes – “I knew there would be moments that I’d miss/And I knew there would be space I couldn’t fill/And I knew I’d come up short a billion different ways/And I did/And I do/And I will”
- My mother certainly cycled through these emotions, and I bet that she felt that she came up short multiple times. But I am here to tell you that she did not. She passed away in 2002 and now at the time of this writing in 2026 I realize how successful she was. I wish I could go back to my early adulthood, embrace her with a bear hug and thank you for all of her “good enough” parenting.
Let me get back to success in parenting. Is it all of the things mentioned above – the performance of our children in music, arts, sports, or social activities; or their educational achievement (grades and class advancement); or their behavior manifested in courtesy, interaction with sibs and parents, peer relationships, empathy and the like; or something else? Is it the happiness of our children? I think that success in parenting is giving rise to good citizens.
Citizens care about others. Citizens take care of each other. Citizens realize their role is to provide a nurturing environment for all, for when all are safe, we are safer and stronger. When we as citizens are nurturing each other, “happiness” is a blissful secondary side effect in my estimation. Such a secondary side effect is a glorious outcome and to be lauded.
Certainly, some children with disabilities will need additional assistance. My career has proven to me that their contributions are just as valuable as those without disabilities and should never be demeaned. All of our citizens should be valued.
In retrospect now, I realize that my mother raised a concerned and involved citizen. Such a path did not guarantee my happiness, but it certainly helped. Without a map and on her own “coming up short in a billion ways,” she managed to be quite successful in parenting.
Thank you, Mom are three simple words but so apt at this time. Even now I can feel her presence and be grateful for her love and care.