In retirement, I have found a “happy place” building LEGO sets. Why? A simple answer might be that I really enjoy it and it takes me back several years. I remember spending countless hours building LEGO sets with my sons on the floor. Who enjoyed it more – me or them? The truth be told it was probably me. There was a significant sense of satisfaction of a completed project – a joint enterprise, following instructions which could be tedious at times, and a lasting product to enjoy as more related sets were added (like a city village) that could stay up in the room until dismantled. Big grins everywhere!
I would never have anticipated carrying this boyish enthusiasm into retirement. It started on a whimsy. Our family has always loved the HOME ALONE movie. Every year we watch the movie (and often the sequel HOME ALONE 2) and laugh hysterically at every gag we know is coming. One year we were visiting my hometown (Glenview, IL) and purposely drove by the Home Alone house in nearby Winnetka and reveled in being in the proximity of the house. Pictures of course were taken.
(from USA Today)
Fast forward to 2022. We saw that LEGO has a set to build the Home Alone house. Over 4200 pieces and not inexpensive. But with my wife’s blessing (after her somewhat “has he gone crazy” sideways glances), I built the Home Alone house and even added an after-market light set with sounds from the movie. The sense of pride was obvious as I proudly showed it off to all who inquired about it and even some that did not inquire.
Home Alone house
I couldn’t stop once the bug hit. I built a Christmas Village kit (street scene, 3 buildings, Christmas tree) with lights and sound. I subsequently have built the White House, the US Capitol, old-fashioned typewriter, floral bouquet, world globe, Van Gogh’s The Starry Night, and most recently the space rocket Artemis launch set.
The Starry Night
Artemis Space Launch system
Will I continue to build sets? Probably. I do not profess any significant originality since I just build sets following instructions. I am not LEGO-freelance capable. Yet I am proud of my perseverance as the Home Alone set had an instruction manual of 460 pages and the Artemis rocket set manual was 380 pages.
When I have taken a step back and reflected on the real “purpose” or reason that I build these sets, I think that I do it because of the sense of quiet and inner peace that occurs during the process. That might sound hokey, but I am convinced of it. And when one considers what quiet and inner peace represent, I find that I am regulated.
Regulation. What a beautiful concept. As a pediatrician who is now engaged in work (author and consultant) to provide care and comfort to children and families exposed to early trauma, I have learned the importance of regulation. For children and families to accomplish so many things and experience a glorified sense of well-being, regulation is key. Regulation is the platform or foundation on which human activities occur. And regulation can occur in so many ways.1
Unfortunately, children exposed to trauma have often learned ways of coping with trauma that most folks would consider maladaptive.2 Children with behavioral outbursts or a variety of behaviors most would consider not helpful have often “learned” these behaviors to regulate themselves as a coping mechanism for less than optimal nurturing or exposure to traumatic events. Their regulatory mechanisms are different because they have been exposed to things that can be overall harmful. They have learned to regulate themselves to a different level (a different platform or foundation), and they will need assistance learning new ways to regulate. If the safe, stable nurturing relationships (SSNRs) that are so vital to our health and well-being are incomplete, the wiring of our central nervous system responses has been altered. These children have far more difficulty with regulation.
For any of us to relate to others in a reasonable fashion, regulation is key. An unregulated parent cannot help a child to be regulated. An unregulated child cannot be expected to respond to stressful situations in a quiet manner. They often react in ways that will draw the ire of those around them. So, regulation is step one in helping children that need intervention in their healing journey from their trauma. Steps two and three, relating and reasoning, only follow when the process of regulation has been initiated and assisted as needed in the nurturing process.
It is too complex to discuss all of the ways that children can endure trauma but some of the categories include neglect, abuse or household dysfunction. Suffice it to say that children exposed to more trauma are more likely to suffer from a host of issues that can have short-term and long-term consequences. One of our primary jobs is then to help find ways and methods for the children to learn regulation with subsequent relating and reasoning as they begin their path to restoration and future resilience and future flourishing.3
Here I am a retired physician and still feel the need to engage in activities that can help regulate me, enhancing my relationships with others and participating in actions that exhibit calm and measured reason. LEGOs have taught me that and that was unexpected.
LEGOs have emphasized the need for regulation at all levels for all of us. For without regulation, our abilities to engage in trustworthy relationships are severely compromised. Regulation is not permanent. It can vary from day to day and even minute to minute. But seeking such a state should be our goal as we seek to improve our lives, improve the lives of others and the life of our communities. This regulation will not always be LEGO-related but should be LEGO-like (a calming behavior) whenever possible.
- Perry B, Winfrey O. What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience and Healing. Flatiron Books; 2021. 304 pp.
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/ladders-of-love/
- Garner AS, Saul RA. Thinking Developmentally: Nurturing Wellness in Childhood to Promote Lifelong Health, American Academy of Pediatrics, 2018, 175 pages.