Author Dr. Robert Saul

Raising Young Citizens in the Age of Columbine

Change is a parenting constant – Part III

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In the first two articles in this series, I presented the paradox that change is a constant during our parenting journey, but that constant is always changing.1,2  In other words, parents must acknowledge how change affects their parenting journey and recognize and negotiate how what seems the same is actually different.

I emphasized that the actions and events that occur during the parenting process will be shifting, modifying, transitioning or alternating.   The constant of change will be that those shifts, modifications, transitions and alternates always make it necessary for parents to adapt at almost every interaction.

But it is one thing to talk about change (part I) and talk about the nuances of change (Part II) and quite another to suggest ways to tangibly deal with the issues confronted every day in our parenting and social worlds.

In the menu of topics below, I will suggest that many of these will provide the tools for “successful” ways to handle change.  I guess you could consider them a smorgasbord for parenting.  The trick will be that each situation will require a unique blend of these skills to deal with the challenges at hand.  Rather than sticking to just one method, I suggest using all of them as necessary and be ready to use them time and time again.  I didn’t learn the multiplication tables the first time.  None of us did so be ready for mistakes and recalculations.  Our humanity demands it.

  • Conscious parenting – In my book Conscious Parenting: Using the Parental Threshold, I discussed a model of dealing with behavior issues in the moment and in retrospect.3 I find it wise when confronted with behavior that is a challenge the parent should PAUSE (take that deep breath, don’t knee jerk a response), ASSESS (try to calmly analyze the situation), and CHOOSE a response that seems to be most reasonable at the time.  The PAC paradigm is predicated on the Parental Awareness Threshold.  When we are aware and responding in a reasonable fashion, we are above the threshold.  When we are reacting with strong emotions or passion that only serves to inflame the situation, we are below the threshold.  As parents, we will be above and below the threshold constantly, that is our human nature.  But when we consciously attempt to review the situation and our responses, in the moment and in retrospect, we can adjust our position as to the threshold and do better going forward.
  • SSNRs – Safe, stable nurturing relationships are the currency of parenting.4,5,6 They provide the setting for interactions on a moment-to-moment basis, daily basis, and throughout the life of the child.  Difficult moments and situations will occur, and SSNRs will assure that the interactions convey safety, stability and nurturing in the face of adversity.  SSNRs should accrue over time and demonstrate a parent’s resolve to care for their child(ren) in any and all circumstances.
  • Attention – The focus of parenting requires our attention. In today’s society with so many technologic distractions, this focus is so difficult but so imperative.   The parent needs to be present (engaged, not looking at the TV, not on the phone, not on the computer); they need to be attentive (looking at the child and emotionally ready to handle the issues at hand); they need to be attuned (on the emotional “wavelength” that the child requires); they need to respond as needed (not simply nodding but actively listening with empathy).7
    • I just finished reading The Siren’s Call: How Attention Became the World’s Most Endangered Resources by Chris Hayes.8    Hayes lays out in painstaking detail the past and current factors affecting our ability to focus on issues that matter and how the current social media platforms are influencing that ability.  He discusses these issues in the context of social discourse but, as a pediatrician, I found his premise to be a clarion call to apply the phenomenon of attention to our role as parents.  The distractions of today are significant impediments to being present, attentive, attuned and responsive.  We must pay attention to forces trying to gain our attention over the attention that we should be focusing on our children and our parenting.
  • Anticipation – One of the most prized skills as a parent is anticipation. As a parent, you can anticipate a child’s reaction to certain situations and the changes ahead.  While not every response will be identical, the ability to anticipate how a child might react can be the difference between a smooth transition or a behavioral meltdown.  This skill will allow for a parent to pursue an alternate course or start the explanation process before actually engaging in the situation or change.
  • Forgiveness – Forgiveness is an essential human trait and so important in parenting.9,10 We will make countless mistakes in our parenting journey, and we should be prepared to ask for forgiveness,  We will be confronted numerous times by situations where we feel that we have been slighted, and we will want someone to apologize.  The capability to navigate this two-way street is one of the most difficult tasks of our lifetime, yet I contend it is the most crucial.
  • Information processing – We must remember how information processing occurs. Input doesn’t simply enter our cortex (the reasoning section of the brain).7  It gets filtered through the lower sections and assessed for safety and other related factors.  This filtering process can easily derail the most mundane type of information processing when we least expect it.  Our capacity to understand our responses (our output to our children) and their processing of that input is critical to our interactions and their subsequent success.

The list above is certainly incomplete in the eyes of pediatric behavioral experts.  I bring forth these ideas to spur continued discussion on how we can use the constant of change to our benefit, not our detriment.  The obvious thread in the list above is the nurturing space (the SSNRs) that all of our actions and reactions occur in.  Those spaces that we create are of paramount importance, providing the environment that supports our interactions and tends to our needs.  Children are in transition almost daily.  Change will “attempt” to affect these spaces but our preparedness for change can bolster our strengths and minimize our weaknesses.

Please remember that change will occur (it is a constant) and the ability to adapt to such change is crucial to parenting and, more broadly, to all of our interactions in society.  Change is only a “dirty” word if we are unprepared and refuse to accept it.  The wash, rinse, repeat cycles for our hair cleansing with shampoo are analogous to converting change to a “clean” word when we pause, assess and choose reasonable responses.  And change is worthy of being recognized and embraced to enhance our parenting and our relationships with the tools above and the wherewithal to use them wisely.

 

  1. https://mychildrenschildren.com/change-is-a-parenting-constant-part-i/
  2. https://mychildrenschildren.com/change-is-a-parenting-constant-part-ii/
  3. Saul R. Conscious Parenting: Using the Parental Awareness Threshold. Robert Saul, 2020. 100 pp.
  4. https://mychildrenschildren.com/ssnrs-and-mr-rogers/
  5. https://mychildrenschildren.com/my-three-moms-and-ssnrs/
  6. Garner AS, Saul RA. Thinking Developmentally: Nurturing Wellness in Childhood to Promote Lifelong Health, Second Edition. American Academy of Pediatrics; 2025. 207 pp.
  7. Perry B, Winfrey O. What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing. Flatiron Books; 2021. 301 pp.
  8. Hayes C. The Siren’s Call: How Attention Became the World’s Most Endangered Resource. Penguin Press; 2025. 320 pp.
  9. https://mychildrenschildren.com/forgiveness-are-we-there-yet/
  10. https://mychildrenschildren.com/forgiveness-is-so-hard/