I recently discussed the basic tools for being a conscious parent – a parent who actively seeks to be open, curious, and committed to learning.1 Those tools of accepting instruction, being actively engaged, and committed to continued involvement start us down the road to not only being good parents but, equally important, to being good citizens.
I’d like to expand on my view of conscious parenting.2 While the traits/concepts discussed here are not new, I think their emphasis and integration into a discussion of parenting reminds us of those gentle nudges that are very useful in our lives.
The basic traits of parenting highlighted below should be a part of our everyday lives at all stages in our lives. I am convinced that we are never really done “parenting,” even for folks without children or with grown children. For when we say that we are done parenting, we forget our communal responsibility to all of our fellow citizens (all of our “children”3) at any age. Indeed, our aging parents need significant nurturing that in many ways harkens back to caring for young children.
If we consider my paradigm shown below for conscious parenting, you will see basic traits that I have arbitrarily divided into citizenship traits and parenting traits. They are really for both, but some are more logically paired with citizenship or parenting.
Citizenship qualities—qualities that are best defined as those that lead to effective (good) citizens
- Humility—the act of not being arrogant and the ability to reflect a spirit of deference is so important in being honest in our relationships. I am convinced that if you are not humbled daily you are not paying attention to the world around you.
- Sincerity—honesty and freedom from hypocrisy define a sincere relationship with one’s loved ones. The ability to be sincere is therefore critical to “be present” in relationships.
- Empathy—parents must be able to understand the thoughts and feelings of others. Such an ability to understand what others are doing and why they are doing it allows them to put themselves into the “shoes” of others. Only then can we truly understand the actions of our fellow citizens.
- Vulnerability—parents often adopt a posture of dominance with their children. Yet the ability to recognize our vulnerability (and shared humanity) is necessary to be as aware as possible.4
- Love for others—it goes without saying that love is the key element in a nurturing parental relationship. The love that parents have should be unconditional. When children exhibit inappropriate behavior, we can dislike their behavior, but we never hate our children. It should also be emphasized the love of a parent should also be exhibited to our fellow citizens. By generously loving others, we provide the proper role model that our children need.
- Forgiveness—to sustain love for our children and love for others, forgiveness is absolutely necessary. Mistakes, simple and complex, will be made. Without the ability to forgive ourselves and to forgive others, we will be unable to accept these mistakes and improve the actions of our children and our own actions.
Parenting qualities—qualities that are critical to effective parenting
- Patience—patience is an incredible virtue and often difficult to manifest when childhood behavior will test the patience of anyone. An awareness of impatience reacting to certain situations helps us to analyze our reactions at any instant in time.
- Persistence—the trials and tribulations of parenthood require the ability to persist at times when it seems it would be easier to give in.
- Optimism—optimism, like patience, is a vital virtue for parents. We all acknowledge that bad things will happen many times in our lives yet the capacity to maintain optimism in the face of adversity can help instill a sense of hope in our children and ourselves.
- The ability to change and the ability to not change (when necessary)—change is difficult and the ability to discern when to change and when not to change is a perpetual quest in our adult lives. The same can be said to our relationships with our children – when do we alter our responses to a certain situation and when do we stay with our set responses.
- Sustained involvement—there can be no quit in parenting. The involvement in parenting is of necessity ongoing. Yet parents realize that sustained involvement can be taxing and oftentimes unsustainable. Creating the right balance and getting the right assistance are critical to be an aware parent.
- Rational discourse—the ability to engage in a meaningful dialogue by listening to others and expressing one’s views in a sensible fashion without demeaning others can define rational discourse. The concept of conscious awareness applies here— meaningful means having an open mind; dialogue means an exchange of information between two people; listening means hearing not talking; expressing sensibly means staying calm; and without demeaning means not placing oneself above others.
I recognize that lists can be easy to make but hard to adhere to. My intent with these traits is to emphasize how we can use basic tools (instruction, engagement and involvement) along with the traits above to be conscious parents with the Parental Awareness Threshold.5
My goal for parenting then is to raise our children to be good citizens. I contend that happiness is a blissful secondary side effect of being a good citizen. We care about others and care for others, recognizing and embracing our common humanity.
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/conscious-parenting-basic-tools/
- Saul R. Conscious Parenting: Using the Parental Awareness Threshold. Robert A Saul; 2020. 77 pp.
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/my-childrens-children-name/
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/vulnerability-makes-us-strong/
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/pause-assess-then-choose/