In my retirement, I continue to receive medical journals from my professional organizations – Journal of the American Medical Association [JAMA] (American Medical Association) and PEDIATRICS (American Academy of Pediatrics). I do not read them cover to cover like I used to when actively practicing, but I do peruse them for articles that are pertinent to my own health issues, health issues for friends and family, and for my continued professional interests and writings. And the issues arriving weekly and monthly, respectively, never let me down. There is plenty of information to keep my interest and stimulate my thoughts.
JAMA has an article every week that features the humanistic side of medicine. The past issue of JAMA had such an article.1 Dr. Weiner discussed balancing his professional life and career (surgeon, academic teaching, researcher) and his family life. The specific tipping point for the article was a serious illness in his father and his inability to get to his father’s bedside given his schedule. As he reviewed the situation, he realized eerie similarities with his father’s career. His father, a busy physician prior to retirement, downplayed the need for his son to come, but the young Dr. Weiner wanted to be there to support his father.
Dr. Weiner told a patient that after her surgery he would be unavailable for immediate follow-up as he was leaving town to be with this father. The patient completely understood and even weeks later asked him how his father was. That simple exchange, a patient asking a doctor about his family, had a profound impact on him. The patient was obviously interested in the results of the surgery (the overt scar and the unseen internal scars) but recognized the humanity in her surgeon and asked how things were going.
This exchange emphasized the trust implicit in the physician-patient relationship. The trust is based on their shared humanity, compassion and respect. This trust led to Dr. Weiner’s insight beautifully described as “that simple exchange reminded me: presence, not perfection, is often what patients remember most.”
Indeed, in my clinical career as a pediatrician and medical geneticist and finally a complex care physician, presence was the key. My honesty and candor (sharing what I knew and felt comfortable with and sharing what I didn’t know and how we could learn together) led to a trust that became mutual.2,3 I learned so much from them. I became a better doctor due to my interactions with my patients, but more importantly, I became a better person. Therein lies the joy of medicine!
As I reflected on Dr. Weiner’s essay in JAMA, it became obvious that the lessons therein about “doctoring” were analogous to parenting. “Presence, not perfection” is vital to our interactions with our children.4,5 In the second edition of THINKING DEVELOPMENTALLY, Dr. Andy Garner and I emphasize the concept of good-enough parenting.6 Perfection is unobtainable and should never be sought. The goal should be “good-enough parenting [that] simply acknowledges that regardless of other factors, children need SSNRs [safe, stable, nurturing relationships]…and ample positive childhood experiences (PCEs).” And good-enough parenting emphasizes relational health and PCEs as much as possible. Since perfection will not occur, understanding the cycles of relate-rupture-repair is crucial.5
Let’s look at ways that doctoring and parenting are alike.
- Trust – trust is the social currency that drives all interactions.7 In medicine and in parenting, trust allows for the understanding that allows for both parties to accept the words and deeds that occur every day and every day to come.
- Empathy – empathy (the active process of willing to enter in the chaos of others (‘em’) and delve into their suffering (‘pathos’)) signals the commitment doctors have for their patients and parents have for their children.
- Intuition – patients and children both have a genuine feeling (an intuition) about what is happening to them. In doctoring and parenting, we need to respect that intuition. It might not be correct, but it is what needs to be addressed for the patient or the child.
- Respect – Though doctoring and parenting tends to be based on an unequal power relationship (doctors and parents are in “control”), both doctors and parents must respect this imbalance and adjust for it. The obligatory trust needed only develops when respect occurs.
- Compassion – the genuine intent to alleviate the suffering of others (patients and children, respectively) is a necessity. Only then can we be motivated to understand others and seek tangible solutions.
- Mercy – defined as the willingness to enter into the chaos of others, mercy is a competency that must be developed. Only by accepting the frailties of others (patients and children) can we recognize the need to engage with compassion and empathy.
- Humility – doctors and parents need to recognize that they are not perfect. Mistakes will be made. The mistakes need to be acknowledged and corrected. Often, forgiveness needs to be part of the process. Forgiveness is usually not part of medical care (given our litigious society) but it should be seriously considered where appropriate for both doctoring and parenting.8 That is the path forward.
- Uncertainty – even though doctors have trained extensively, and parents have listened to family members and peers, life and the path forward is often uncertain. Experience helps tremendously, but even with experience, actions can be uncertain. When humility and sincerity are exhibited, uncertainty can be dealt with honestly.
- Presence – Parenting needs to manifest being present, attentive, attuned and responsive. These traits are intrinsic to enveloping children in safe, stable, nurturing relationships. I contend that good doctoring needs the same. A physician worth her or his salt is present when attending to patients; when they are attentive to their needs; when they are attuned to the nuances of each patient; and when they are responsive in a meaningful way.
So, doctoring and parenting are very similar in so many ways. A major discrepancy obviously exists in the amount of training. Doctors have rigorous education, training, certification and maintenance of certification requirements. Parents do not. Most families enter into parenting with little if any formal training and rely heavily on others. This difference can be glaring at times so all of us need to be ready to help. It takes an extensive village to make a doctor just like it takes a village to raise a child.9
Let me finish with the ending quote from Dr. Weiner’s article. “That patient never knew how much her simple question meant to me. But in that moment, I felt seen, not just as a surgeon, but as a son. Her gesture reminded me that we build our lives not just for our families but for our patients too. We choose to be present at home so that, when we’re in the clinic or in the operating room, we can be fully present there as well.”
Doctoring and parenting require presence and it serves us well everywhere.
- Weiner AB. Unseen Scars. JAMA October 28, 2025; 334(16):1425.
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/thoughts-on-medical-trust/
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/what-have-i-learned/
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/critical-factors-for-parenting/
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/relate-rupture-repair-repeat/
- Garner A, Saul R. Thinking Developmentally: Nurturing Wellness in Childhood to Promote Lifelong Health, 2nd American Academy of Pediatrics; 2025. 200 pp.
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/trust-is-the-currency-of-social-interaction-2/
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/forgiveness-is-so-hard/
- https://mychildrenschildren.com/it-takes-a-village-it-really-does/